Tag Archives: son

I’m NOT Renting a Uhaul!

I’ve been told by some of my seasoned lesbian friends that new lesbians fall in love hard and fast.  We tend to move in together too soon and we are head over heels in love within seconds of meeting.  Uhaul lesbians – they are a real thing.

I met this girl back in December.  She is absolutely the greatest love I have ever had.  The same one I mention in https://thebreadwinninglesbian.wordpress.com/2015/01/26/its-been-awhile/.  She cares about me in a way that no one really ever has before.  She doesn’t let me pretend that I’m fine when I’m not.  She doesn’t let me worm my way out of uncomfortable conversations with a joke.  She holds me when I’m weak and leans on me when I’m strong.  We still haven’t had a single argument or even a bickering session.  She amazes me.  Every time I look at her I think wow she is absolutely gorgeous and I don’t deserve her, I hope she doesn’t figure it out.

Oh, and in bed – holy shit.  This girl is amazing in bed.  She’s not my first woman but OH MY GOD.  I have never wanted someone as much as I want to be with her.  I crave sex.  I actually dream about it now.  For the first time in my life, I’m with someone I want to be with.  The best part – she likes sex with me as much as I like it with her.  She’s scandalously sexy in bed.  She has introduced new things to me in the bedroom that just makes me squish when I think about it.

So we don’t fight, we are both widely attracted to each other, she makes me be a better person than I thought i could be.  I love her, she loves me. Did we move in together?  Nope. Not yet.  But we’ve got it planned out!  We both have two kids.  Her sons are excited to add me to their family but my kids (who are still freshly injured in a vengeful divorce) are not nearly as excited about the whole adding brothers / mothers thing.  I want to marry her – she knows this.  But I’m waiting until I’m officially divorced and my kids accept the idea a little better before I buy her a real engagement ring.  We aren’t even moving in together for at least another year although spending days at a time away from each other in our own homes is torturous at best.  We want to do this right so we wait.  When her boys are with their dad, she’s at my house with me and my kiddos.  When my kids are at their dads, I’m at her house with her and her boys.  When we on a very rare occasion have no children – we stay naked for days.

I’m in love.  I am willing to wait a lifetime to call her my wife.

Side Note:  Amazing how much the brain washing of conservative christianity can do to a gay person.  Having been in wrong sex relationships my whole life, I hated sex.  I thought of it as a bi annual chore to avoid because it just never turned me on.  I spent the better part of twenty years avoiding sex.  I would get dressed for work after my ex left the bedroom so that he wouldn’t see me naked.  I would lock the door when I showered.  I wouldn’t go to bed until he was guaranteed to be asleep.  I slept in full pajamas and insisted he wear them too making up an excuse about how the kids might need us in the middle of the night.  In fact, one time in my sleep he tried to poke me awake for sex and I yelled (while SOUND ASLEEP) that “you know I don’t like it when you touch me” – he was angry for days at that one.  I hated / despised / loathed sex with men.  Penises and the stuff that comes out of them, have always made me want to vomit.  I look back now and see all the times that I should have been able to figure out what was misaligned in my life and am just dumbfounded how long it took me to realize I like women.  I preferred lesbian porn, all my favorite actors were women, all my favorite musicians were women, the whole penis thing, everything about me – so much more than I want to list – screamed that I was indeed into women.  I think my parents saw this and purposely steered me away from realizing who I really was.  I was often ridiculed for the way I dressed or wanted to do my hair.  I finally started just letting the hair dresser decide and went with it because it was easier than requesting something my mother and sisters would shame me for.  I wore dresses when I had to because I was tired of being asked why I didn’t want to.  I married the first man that seemed capable of putting up with me.

Advertisements

It’s Been Awhile

Just before Christmas I called a friend and said – I need to get out of here!  I had been trapped at home without any money for a long time and a paycheck had finally come through.  There was an awesome lesbian’s only dance in Portland the weekend after Christmas and I thought it would be a perfect way to burn off some steam.  The friend asked if she could invite another friend and I said why not!  The more the merrier!

Turns out this other friend was someone I was eyeballing on OK Cupid and someone I had met a few months earlier at the mutual friend’s birthday bash.  So I sent her a message – “I guess we’re going out this weekend”  We texted back and forth for days and she was so easy to talk to I was eagerly looking forward to our night out.  The moment I saw her walking through my friend’s house before heading to the club, I knew my life was about to change.  My heart instantly knew she was the person I needed to spend the rest of my life with before I even heard her speak.

I have spent the past four weeks with this girl of my dreams.  We have spent every minute possible together even though we live half an hour apart.  She comes over as soon as her boys are with their dad and I’m headed to her house as soon as my kids are with their dad.  I’ve spent quite a bit of time with her mom and she’s spent time with my chosen family.  Our kids have met several times and thoroughly enjoy each other.  My daughter asked me if her mom will be their new step-grandma after getting to spend the afternoon with her when I had to work and needed a sitter – in a very hopeful tone.  It’s been a very busy month of parties and events and we have pretty much hung out with everyone in our inner circles and not one person has had any concerns about our relationship. My friends all see her and say, “YES! This is the girl we’ve been waiting for you to find!  She is perfect for you, she is gorgeous – and you belong with a beautiful girl – and she clearly loves you as much as you love her”

With my ex-husband it never felt like this.  He was always disappointed and unhappy.  The love I once had for him was there but it was different.  I married him because it felt like the right thing to do.  I was the right age, he seemed like he could tolerate me for the rest of my life.  Instead it was a life of misery for me.  I was never free to do what I wanted to do.  If I wanted to go somewhere I had to bring him and he always sullied the mood, complaining on the way, complaining while we were there, and complaining after we got home.  No one wanted him around so they quit inviting me.  I became a shell whose whole world was making him happy by suppressing what I wanted to be doing.  When I gave up hiding my own passions, we immediately started falling apart.  He started drinking.  I started doing more and more without him. I had been searching for something since marrying him and I didn’t know what it was.  I traveled for work, I went back to school twice, I changed jobs, I changed states, I changed my church going habits, I changed my friends, I changed nearly everything and I could not figure out why it felt like something was missing in my life.  When we had our last falling out last Spring, I was done with the marriage.  About six months later, I started having an affair with a woman simultaneously realizing I was gay and that’s part of what I was missing.  Six months after that, I found the courage to walk away from my marriage.  He never had a passionate hold on my heart and he was easy to walk away from.

Before she and I met, I never thought I would find exactly what I was looking for.  I was beginning to wonder if I was just too unique to be loved the way that I am.  I had been on a journey trying to find what was missing from my life for so long that the goal of having a life filled with happiness, peace, love, and laughter seemed unobtainable and unrealistic. From the very instant she walked into my life, I felt so suddenly and completely happy. My search is over; I have found what I was looking for. She is beautiful both inside and out. She has a passion for life, love, adventure, and harmony that is breathtakingly inspiring. She has a sense of humor that is so in tune with mine, it is scary at times. She loves me for me, not a version of me that I present to her, but the entirety of me – which is not something I have ever experienced before. She accepts my flaws and in some cases finds them inexplicably attractive. We have the same desires in life, and while we are different, we fit together so perfectly that it is as if we are two halves of the same whole. I love everything about her. My journey to find what I was looking for is over because she is what I was seeking. The rest of my life is going to be a happy adventure because she will be here to share it with me. I love her. Without her I would still be looking for something I never would have found.  On top of all that, she is stunningly beautiful.  She moves her body with a grace that just entrances me.  Her eyes are an amazing shade of blue.  Her smile has these perfect little laugh lines that entice me to want to kiss her lips. The curves of her body are just plain sexy.

I miss her as soon as we are in our separate homes.  My head says wait to have her move in but my heart says tomorrow. Can I make it happen tomorrow?  I am mentally rearranging the furniture in my home to accommodate hers.  I’ve even figured out which room her boys should sleep in, moving my teenager into the largest room in the house.  Wondering if it would be better to just find a new rental that can accommodate all of us including her mom too.  So many choices, so much rushing into this relationship.  I don’t want to be a UHaul Lesbian – but I’m turning into one with this girl.  I’m in love.  I have spent so much time in my life waiting and wondering.  I don’t want to miss out on even a day with her.  I want to hold her in my arms every night and kiss her sleepy lips every morning.  I want her in my life.

Merry Damn Christmas

I’m lamenting, I know.  Posts like this aren’t fun to read.

So divorce means the kids can’t be in two places at once.  We all know that and when we choose to divorce we see the evil it will create when kids are involved but rarely do we realize how much pain it will cause on holidays.  This year I do not get to see my children on Christmas day – they will be with their father.  Dropping them off tonight was excruciatingly painful.  I cried, I yelled.  But I had the good sense to wait until I was around the corner driving away so that they didn’t see how much it hurts to not spend tomorrow with them.  Next year, he will have to do what I just did and I already feel badly for him even though he doesn’t care one iota about me.

I’ve been barely surviving financially for almost three months now having been unemployed since October.  So this Christmas I couldn’t get them very much.  In fact, if it weren’t for the charity of others, I wouldn’t have been able to get them anything at all.  I found a group that makes bikes from old bikes for kids with parents who need help with gifts.  So they got some really cool bikes.  I had a coworker hand me $200 with the specific instructions that it was for Christmas gifts and I followed his instructions.  So they didn’t get much but they got something and I had a great time watching them open their gifts.  They know how tight things have been and they weren’t outwardly disappointed.  Of course, tomorrow on the “real” Christmas their father’s parents will spoil them rotten and they will forget about the four or five things I got them.  They will probably never understand the struggles I went through these past few months trying to put food on the table because I don’t burden them with those details.  I’m employed now, I have regular paychecks coming soon – in a few days in fact.  And it will be nice not to stress about money anymore.  I will start saving immediately so that I can be someone’s Christmas angel next year.  I will pay it forward.  How could I not?

My friends are all on Facebook posting pictures of their beautiful trees and piles of presents.  Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas while smiling and enjoying themselves.  No one remembers the divorced parents who are sad, the destitute parents who just wanted something-anything under a tree for their kids, or the parents who have lost their child and are distraught.  I was buying some beer at the grocery store just a bit ago since I’m having some friends over this weekend and the clerk wished me a very enthusiastic Merry Christmas while I was grabbing up my bags.  I wanted to slap her.  It’s not going to be a Merry Christmas.  It’s going to be a Sad Christmas.  I’m going to wander my house and look at the two presents I bought for myself, the presents they left behind because those gifts live here.  I’ll probably make my kids’ beds, sniffing their empty pillows, and consider doing their laundry.  Maybe I’ll even clean their rooms for them.  Sounds “Merry” right?  I’ll survive their week and a half long visit with their father.  It might suck tomorrow.  But I’m tougher for it and more focused than ever on making sure my kids get what they need to grow up strong.

Merry Damn Christmas everyone.

My World is Looking Up

I’ve been unemployed for the past couple of months.  It sucks.  I had grown accustomed to paying my bills and still having some money to spend on the things I wanted.  I filed for unemployment almost immediately but the wonderful State of Oregon took their sweet time processing my claim.  All of a sudden, I had $10 in my pocket and nothing in the bank and no hope in sight for any kind of paycheck.  It was scary.  It wasn’t until the fourth week that they finally approved me for unemployment and sent me a weekly pittance check compared to what my income usually is.  I was embarrassed to ask my friends for help because most of them are strapped for cash too.  So I held my breath, kept my wits in check, clutched onto every cent I could, and hoped the state money would carry me through until I finally found a job.

I was too ashamed to use the food bank so I quit eating when my kids weren’t here.  I wanted to conserve food for their dinners and breakfasts.  Since losing my job in October, I’ve lost twenty pounds.  I’ve been too ashamed to use any of the food banks because I should have done a better job saving my money for this type of rainy day and I should have donated more when I had money in my pocket.  A neighbor heard me discussing my lack of funds and grocery bags full of food appeared on my porch.  I cried for hours in humble humility and thanks.  For Thanksgiving, I hosted a potluck and invited all of my amazing friends.  I gained three pounds that week because they all left their leftovers for me and the kids – and they needed to be eaten before they went bad.  It was one of the best holidays I’ve ever celebrated.  So full of fun and laughter and food.  The food in my stomach gave me a new sort of power over my life.  It sounds odd to say it like that but feeling well fed really does change a person.

It didn’t surprise me that my first interview after Thanksgiving was a success and I’ve been shortlisted with only one other person for the position.  The second interview landed me an offer within days.  I’m now in a position where after being unemployed and starving for two months to having potentially competing offers.  The first job is a full-time permanent position with massive benefits and a huge leap into an industry that is nearly impossible to break into.  The second job, with the offer in hand, is a contract position that will last a minimum of six months.  In my field, 95% of the positions are contract so a full-time permanent position is highly coveted.  The second job is also twice as far away and during commute hours, that’s not going to be an exciting thing.  So I’ve decided to accept the contract position and pursue the permanent one.  For those of you who haven’t worked contract positions, it’s the same as a permanent position now-a-days just with an expiration date.  I earn money through a W-2, the company I work for deducts taxes from my paycheck, and I’m usually offered a company provided benefits package.

So now, after almost a year of hell.  My world is looking up.  I will soon have money in my pocket again, I’ve learned how to appreciate the things that I have and not worry about the things I don’t have, I’ve learned how to stand up for myself, I’ve stopped trying to make enemies out of my past and instead focus on the positive prospect of the future.  I’ve learned to love with open arms, not only the people around me but I’ve had to learn to love myself too.  I have amazing kids, a nice home, a job I can be proud of, lots of loving friends, and my world is falling back together after being broken for so long.

So here’s my parting words for today…  If you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for help.  If you’re hurting, let someone know – having someone nearby is sometimes the best medicine.  If you’re broke, keep looking for the break in the clouds – keep pursuing work, don’t give up. If you’re not happy with who you are, change yourself – no one else can change you except you.  Don’t let someone else’s choices become your choices – decide for yourself how you would like your world to be and pursue it.  I had to learn to accept that not everyone sees the world the way I do and that’s okay, but I don’t have to live the way they dictate.  I can do things my own way and if I lose a friend or family member over it, that is their choice to not accept that I am different from who they want me to be.

She Doesn’t Trust Me – And I Don’t Blame Her

My daughter told me last night she doesn’t trust me.  I don’t blame her even one bit.  We were talking last night about her wanting to sleep on her new futon instead of her wonderful bed and the conversation got pretty deep.  I reminded her that she can tell me anything she wants.  She hesitated then said, “Mom, I don’t trust you.  I don’t know why but I just don’t.”  She clearly was scared to death that I was going to lose it on her but instead I told her I wasn’t surprised.  Here’s my reasoning…

A year and a half ago, my marriage failed.  I knew it, my husband didn’t.  For six months, I tried to restart my flame but it was out.  Not even flickering, totally cold, OUT.  I was done but I hadn’t quit yet.  I tried taking trips with my ex, I tried having more sex, I tried everything I could think of and nothing worked.  My heart was done even if my head wasn’t.  Around the sixth month I finished my Master’s degree and I began to find other things to occupy my time.  I went out with friends, I worked longer hours, and I avoided my husband.  This whole time, my kids could see that something was wrong between us but it really wasn’t unusual for us to fight or ignore each other.  Their mom was changing into someone they didn’t recognize.

Then I met a woman who became the center of my attention with the exception of my children.  They have always come first. I often had them come to her house to hang out at birthday parties or just to hang out.  She and her family came to our house for a number of social visits.  I was changing even more because having a friend who I spent a lot of time with was a new concept in our house.  My ex had chased everyone else away and my kids got used to me not having many friends. Especially not having friends I hung out with on a regular basis outside of Girl Scouts.  Then I fell in love with this friend, and she with me (See My First Girlfriend post) and I changed even more.  I was suddenly very happy but still avoiding their dad. This was weird for them.

Then I wrecked my motorcycle and had to move in with my friend and her family.  My kids would come stay with me at their house regularly but it was weird.  I was heavily medicated, I was in a lot of pain, I had to be helped with basic things like going to the bathroom.  I was no longer their strong willed, independent mother.  I was an invalid that they loved but weren’t sure what to do with.

Then I healed my broken bones and my broken head and changed even more because I am a survivor.  I had to fight to be where I am and I’m not going to back down for anyone.  I am strong willed but in a different way.  It’s less about how awesome my job is or how much money I make and more about the inner strength I had to build to win the battle over my body.  Different things in life are important to me now.

So I told my daughter, “I’m not surprised.”  And I think her chin hit her mattress.  I went on to say, I am a different person than I used to be.  I’m changing every day.  I think differently, I act differently, I now like girls instead of boys, I am completely different with one exception – you and your brother.  The two of you have always been and will always be the most important thing to me.” She nodded and added a quiet – yup.  Then I talked about how her dad is the same guy he’s always been.  He lives in the same house, with the same attitude, he does things the same way he always has, and he probably always will.  You know what to expect from your dad, you don’t know what to expect from me.  And she looked at me like, wow I hadn’t thought of it that way.  I let her know it was perfectly acceptable for her to question whether or not to trust me since I was basically a new person to her.  And I thanked her for telling me and asked her to let me know if I ever do something that doesn’t make sense or if she has any questions for me.

I feel like a better mom today because I finally figured out what was bothering her.  We had a great day today.  She talked openly with me about her boyfriend and some other stuff that happened at school.  Today was a good day.  I’m hoping tomorrow will be just as positive and wonderful.  Happy Mom Day!

What Was I Thinking?

I feel like an idiot today.  Last year was the year of doggie heartbreak.  We had an old lady dog who was running out of time so I went and picked up a puppy from the pound. Turns out he was a hemophiliac (a bleeder).  We spent more than two weeks trying to get his neuter site to stop bleeding before our veternarian was successful.  Three days after we got him all fixed up he jumped out of my husband’s arms and bled into his spine.  My kids went to bed with a new puppy and woke up without one.  It was horrifying for my tenderhearted son.  He would spend hours just sitting in the living room holding the puppy’s ashes and crying.  I waited a few months before purchasing a pure bred Cairn terrier puppy – I wanted to make sure that my heart was ready and that we had a dog without genetic conditions.  A few months later we lost our old lady dog and that was heartbreaking.  She was an amazing pup and she had a good run.

So now I’m divorcing the puppy dropper and I got custody of the dogs.  After all, they were all brought into the house by me. I’ve been in my new home for about a month and a half and my old man dog is starting to get tired.  He’s having vision issues too.  He is skittish and hides all day long at the top of the stairs out of reach of the now year and a half old cairn puppy.  The puppy needs someone to wear her down so I’ve been wondering if a potty trained, couple year old, third dog would be a good choice.

On Saturday, my friend was telling me about this male dog who was going to the pound if he didn’t find a home.  Shit.  My stupid bleeding heart called the owner and said bring him here, we will have a puppy play date and see how it goes.  “B” is his name and he is sweet as pie.  In fact, he’s sitting in my lap as I type because apparently he’s part cat.  He’s a chihuahua-pug-weenie dog mix and he’s quite the lover.  Unfortunately, my old man dog is not a fan and is now pissed off at me.

Oh and the worst part, my son is in love with “B”.  So if I can’t get the old man dog on board with “B”, I will have to rehome “B” and my son will be heartbroken.  Ugh.

My girlfriend laughed and said you do realize that if we ever decide to move in together we’d have five dogs and two cats between us?  Holy crap.  We’d have to dedicate a section of the house just for the dogs and cats to live in.  Maybe even get them their own King sized bed so that we can sleep at night.  I proposed building a doggie jungle gym in the bonus room of the house I’m renting which might be neat to look at but we all know that doggies love cuddles and you can’t cuddle if you’re in another room.  Ugh again.  But you know we just started dating, I’m pretty sure moving in is not in our immediate future and we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.  Gotta go take them all outside again…

My Angry Daughter

My daughter is 12 and she’s mad at me.  She can’t put it into words though and it’s frustrating both of us that she doesn’t understand what’s happening.  She says she’s not mad.  She’s pretty insistent actually but as her mom, it’s clear to me that she is unhappy with the world that has been chosen for her.  She and I were very close up until last year before the marriage ended and I came out to her.  She would tell me everything.  Every little detail of her day.  Who her friends were being mean to, who her “boyfriend” is (because at 12 are they really boyfriends?), we talked about what made her happy, things she needed or wanted, her clothing frustrations, ANY THING she wanted to talk about I was there for her.

After my accident, I had to go live with friends for a while so that I could heal.  I couldn’t have my soon to be ex husband helping me with the intimate tasks I needed help with such as in the shower, to get dressed, to use the facilities…  He wasn’t allowed or invited to participate in helping me. During those months that I was away, I still saw my kids regularly and had them come stay with me for a week or so at a time. I didn’t miss out on their lives, but I wasn’t living in their primary home any more. This made the divorce a reality faster than it would have been had I remained intact and hadn’t had to move out so suddenly.

My kids were rightfully confused and angry that their dad and I were breaking up.  Then to add the “horror” that mom likes girls now, just made the problems that much more compounded.

My son is very tenderhearted and quickly forgave his dad and I for ending the marriage.  He focuses on making sure I don’t hurt myself by doing too much and telling me he loves us both very much.  He understands we aren’t going to be married anymore and it took a few months for him to realize that he isn’t the reason our marriage failed.  He struggles more with being verbally beaten on by his sister than his mom being gay and his parents’ marriage ending.

My daughter though is MAD.  She yells at everyone and everything.  She likes to target her tenderhearted brother because he’s an easy target.  She hides under her headphones or behind a computer screen.  She won’t talk to me anymore.  All I can get out of her when I try is “I’m fine”.  She runs into her dad’s arms when I drop them off as if it was torture to be with me.  I’ve told her it hurts my feelings when she treats me like crap.  Her face shows sympathy for a moment then shuts off like it’s what I deserve.  Her father, my ex, outed me to her in one of his tirades before my accident.  He yelled some obscenities including a rant about how I like women now in front of her.  I was forced to come all the way out to her after things had calmed down so that she had facts and not just her dad’s angry words in her head.  Her response when I was done, “it’s ok mom, I love you.”  Two weeks later I had my accident and that’s when we started to lose our close knit bond. I believe she still loves me, I see the compassion appear too often to just assume she doesn’t.

A couple days ago we had a blow up.  I didn’t yell, quite the opposite, I cried.  Her brother was reminding her that I had asked them to do something and she went off on him like a roman candle.  He started crying.  I jumped in and defended my son.  I usually try and force him to deal with it on his own because he needs to build a thicker skin and stand up for himself but sometimes she’s too much for him to overcome and the constant beratement he had suffered throughout the day had taken a toll on his will power.  I had talked with her a few weeks earlier during a brief moment of closeness about how my family has chosen to disapprove of me so I have chosen to not be a part of their life.  So in this moment of one sibling treating the other like utter shit, I stepped in.  I told my daughter she had no right to talk to my son/her brother that way. She only gets one brother in this world and she needs to learn to appreciate him or one day when she needs him, he won’t be there for her.  I told her that I was the one that was picked on as a kid.  I was her brother so to speak.  And now I have no family because I chose to walk away from them.  This struck home with her.  She could see through my eyes that this is not a path she wanted to follow.  That she didn’t want to lose her brother, her constant companion, now or later in life.  And for the past few days, she has been a very good sister.  She’s still mad at me.  I don’t know how I’m going to reach through that wall of anger but I can say, I’m going to keep loving her as if she isn’t angry, I’m going to focus on giving her what she needs – not what she wants, and I’m going to do the best I can to show her I’m still her mom.  Maybe someday she will come around and forgive me for changing everything she knew to trust.