Tag Archives: resentment

I survived. I am happy. I am thriving. I am still healing.

A year ago today I posted this…

On my way to work this morning while riding my motorcycle I rear ended a semi truck. I was driving in commuter traffic and the semi suddenly stopped, locking up its brakes and fishtailing in front of me. I quickly ran out of stopping distance and drove into the back of the semi trailer going probably 15 miles an hour. I shattered my right forearm and my left arm is broken as well. I have a mild concussion but I got very lucky I have a long road with my right arm but I will be okay. The ambulance driver said my gear saved me from a worse fate. Responding to texts and answering phone calls is not easy right now. Please have patience with me.

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A year ago today, my life was forever changed in a horrible accident. I remember the truck braking in front of me, I remember the truck’s paint two inches from my face, and I remember waking up on the side of the freeway screaming at the top of my lungs facing my mangled right arm. I don’t remember trying to stop or being ejected from my motorcycle. I remember the ambulance ride where I begged for pain meds because I was losing consciousness. I remember watching my friend arriving thinking it was minutes later only to realize I’d been out of it for hours. I remember the shocked look on her face when my family hung up on her when she tried to tell them I was in the emergency room. I remember seeing a friend from work coming to collect my work badge and deliver my final paycheck but it is only a fleeting memory. And then I remember spending weeks and weeks on a couch, either in horrible pain or in a drug induced blur. Then on my birthday, a mere 10 days after my accident, I went to work at a new job – delaying my recovery by months just to keep my family fed and housed.

My ex has focused on making my life as difficult as possible over the past year.  He has tried numerous times to take away my children, only to be told by the court that he’s a fool for trying.  He’s attempted to extort money, only to be responded to with court rulings that are clear that the money is not owed to him.  He’s dragging the divorce through the mud trying to do everything he can to hurt me, only he’s the one that is going to hurt when it’s over because I have moved on and I will win this war.

Yes, I wasn’t going that fast and I was able to post on Facebook that night (with text to speech and help from a friend) so it couldn’t have been that bad – right? I had no idea the long road I was facing. It has been a year full of battles. I’m still suffering some effects. The mild concussion I was diagnosed with turned into an eight month sanity battle. I often spoke and thought gibberish. I had many bouts with PTSD. I was exhausted. I ended up losing my new job. I had to fight to see my kids at all. I was in pain. I was suicidal. My family never came to see me, never offering to help in any way, and only texted me a couple of times to check on me because they cannot find it in themselves to accept a gay daughter who is divorcing a man who mistreated her. One of my dearest best friends could never understand the impact this accident had on me, so I had to walk away from our friendship after twenty years. The family that took me in after my accident, and took care of me for the next five months, deserves so much of my gratitude for helping me with not only the intimate care I required but the mental health care that truly is the reason I am here today but they have moved on with their lives and I am not a part of it anymore. They watched me suffer horrible pain and helped minimize it as much as they could, monitoring my meds carefully, dealt with having two extra kids around, found ways to feed me even when my body refused food, helped me in so many ways I cannot even come close to listing them all here. I wish I could thank them today for being the primary reason I survived.

But I am here. I am alive. I SURVIVED. I am ready to turn a new page and move on from this dark past. I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I’ve lost almost 60 pounds since my accident so I feel good. My strength is returning. I get to spend time with my kiddos every single day which I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world. I have a fantastic landlord and dear friend who has helped me through some rough times. I’d be homeless without her. My chosen family helped transport me to see my kids when I was unable to drive, helped me clean and move into my home, and helped me come through my darkest days – saving my life more times than they know. I have so many friends who have helped me to see that even though I’ve become estranged from my family, due to their biases, that I have a chosen family and that I am loved. I love all of you and I am so grateful to have each of you in my life.

Most significantly, I have found my real soul mate. She is the most amazing woman who has seen me at my best, and at my worst, and still keeps showing up. I am happier now than ever because she is in my life. She is the yang to my yin. I love her boys as if they were my own and I am looking forward to having her in my life for the rest of it.

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Today Was a Great Day

Tomorrow should be even better…

My kiddos both had good days today.  We didn’t have any arguments, they smiled and laughed often.  We had a great family dinner and enjoyed each others company.

My ex has been accusing me of being the sole cause of my children’s poor behavior in school and at his home.  Since he has them directly before school and when they are at his house, this makes sense right that their behavior when not in my care is my fault?  Uh no.  Hey jackass…  When the kids misbehave for you, it’s you not me.

I am so ready to be divorced from him.  He is vengeful and bitter and angry and scared.  So he has taken me to court four times in he past five months.  He has lost every single hearing because he is asking for things that fall outside of precedence.  He and his father want to take every penny I have because I had the gall to want out of an unhappy marriage while being the breadwinner.  Unfortunately for him, since I am the one that spent all that time earning my degree and career, I get to keep it and he gets to go grow up at almost 40.  He claims I made him give up his career and that our financial struggles were my fault not at all related to his failure to provide a fucking penny to the family or over five years.  Total lies.  I begged him to find work.  So now after four court hearings where the judge has repeatedly ruled directly against his wishes, he has filed an appeal to be heard tomorrow.  His lawyer typed up a nine page request for revision that said how the commissioner fucked everything up, how he should have more alimony, how he should have child support, how I don’t have the kids as much as the actual factual math shows, how I should pay for his personal debts before we pay community debts with the few remaining community dollars, and how I should be held in contempt for paying him 12 hours late one time.  He also submitted a divorce settlement proposal which contradicts every ruling as if I might even consider agreeing to any of it.  I’d rather pay for a trial than go with his lunacy.  Like I would even glimpse at considering giving up my time with my kids and nearly half my salary when I have more time than he does to spend with them, through an established routine, and the courts have repeatedly stated through four court orders now that he has a sufficient income without any more money coming from me and what he is getting won’t last very long.  Time to grow up you drunk, lazy, asshole.

Lose some weight, take some anger management classes, go see a therapist who will help you come to terms with being the actual cause of the marriage failing not the ex wife who stuck with you for fifteen agonizing years.  Plus get over that I am gay.  Suck it up. I was raised by homophobes.  It wasn’t something I was allowed to fathom.  I’ve always liked women, I just didn’t know it because I wasn’t able to discover who I was.  I was forced into a box and I did my best but the walls failed and the world out here makes a hell of a lot more sense than that box ever did.

Fingers crossed that I win tomorrow.  If I do, I expect to be divorced within a month or so.  We will offer an immediate settlement that matches what the court has given him so far.  Nothing more.  Because fuck him and his cunt father.

My lawyer did an amazing job citing case law and precedence in her rebuttal that just destroys anything he tried to stand behind as a reason for the appeal.  Sure its possible I will lose tomorrow which would be horrifying but I am hugely optimistic.  Even his own lawyer hates him and thinks he is a trite fool who will fail and end up with less for telling the court they are wrong for ruling along side precedence using real math.

I’m NOT Renting a Uhaul!

I’ve been told by some of my seasoned lesbian friends that new lesbians fall in love hard and fast.  We tend to move in together too soon and we are head over heels in love within seconds of meeting.  Uhaul lesbians – they are a real thing.

I met this girl back in December.  She is absolutely the greatest love I have ever had.  The same one I mention in https://thebreadwinninglesbian.wordpress.com/2015/01/26/its-been-awhile/.  She cares about me in a way that no one really ever has before.  She doesn’t let me pretend that I’m fine when I’m not.  She doesn’t let me worm my way out of uncomfortable conversations with a joke.  She holds me when I’m weak and leans on me when I’m strong.  We still haven’t had a single argument or even a bickering session.  She amazes me.  Every time I look at her I think wow she is absolutely gorgeous and I don’t deserve her, I hope she doesn’t figure it out.

Oh, and in bed – holy shit.  This girl is amazing in bed.  She’s not my first woman but OH MY GOD.  I have never wanted someone as much as I want to be with her.  I crave sex.  I actually dream about it now.  For the first time in my life, I’m with someone I want to be with.  The best part – she likes sex with me as much as I like it with her.  She’s scandalously sexy in bed.  She has introduced new things to me in the bedroom that just makes me squish when I think about it.

So we don’t fight, we are both widely attracted to each other, she makes me be a better person than I thought i could be.  I love her, she loves me. Did we move in together?  Nope. Not yet.  But we’ve got it planned out!  We both have two kids.  Her sons are excited to add me to their family but my kids (who are still freshly injured in a vengeful divorce) are not nearly as excited about the whole adding brothers / mothers thing.  I want to marry her – she knows this.  But I’m waiting until I’m officially divorced and my kids accept the idea a little better before I buy her a real engagement ring.  We aren’t even moving in together for at least another year although spending days at a time away from each other in our own homes is torturous at best.  We want to do this right so we wait.  When her boys are with their dad, she’s at my house with me and my kiddos.  When my kids are at their dads, I’m at her house with her and her boys.  When we on a very rare occasion have no children – we stay naked for days.

I’m in love.  I am willing to wait a lifetime to call her my wife.

Side Note:  Amazing how much the brain washing of conservative christianity can do to a gay person.  Having been in wrong sex relationships my whole life, I hated sex.  I thought of it as a bi annual chore to avoid because it just never turned me on.  I spent the better part of twenty years avoiding sex.  I would get dressed for work after my ex left the bedroom so that he wouldn’t see me naked.  I would lock the door when I showered.  I wouldn’t go to bed until he was guaranteed to be asleep.  I slept in full pajamas and insisted he wear them too making up an excuse about how the kids might need us in the middle of the night.  In fact, one time in my sleep he tried to poke me awake for sex and I yelled (while SOUND ASLEEP) that “you know I don’t like it when you touch me” – he was angry for days at that one.  I hated / despised / loathed sex with men.  Penises and the stuff that comes out of them, have always made me want to vomit.  I look back now and see all the times that I should have been able to figure out what was misaligned in my life and am just dumbfounded how long it took me to realize I like women.  I preferred lesbian porn, all my favorite actors were women, all my favorite musicians were women, the whole penis thing, everything about me – so much more than I want to list – screamed that I was indeed into women.  I think my parents saw this and purposely steered me away from realizing who I really was.  I was often ridiculed for the way I dressed or wanted to do my hair.  I finally started just letting the hair dresser decide and went with it because it was easier than requesting something my mother and sisters would shame me for.  I wore dresses when I had to because I was tired of being asked why I didn’t want to.  I married the first man that seemed capable of putting up with me.

Contempt My Ass

So life was good until almost two years ago when my marriage was suddenly, irretrievably broken.  Before that day, I had a beautiful home, a “perfect” family, two amazing kids, two swanky cars, a few dogs, a great job – everything I ever wanted in this world I had.  I remember sitting in my home one day all alone and thinking – I have everything I’ve ever wanted….  why am I not happy.  When the marriage fell apart due to my husband, I lost most of that list.  Some things permanently, some temporarily.  The house is on the market, we need to pay debts with the equity.  I now have one of the two swanky cars – he got the other one.  I have to share time with my kiddos now and that sucks.  I ended up with the dogs (yay!) but spent several months without seeing them because of the ex.  I quit a job for a better job, then wrecked my motorcycle, missed a bunch of work to heal, finally got better and got called into court by my ex.  My boss decided I’d missed enough work and fired me.

I’ve lived a hundred lives since April 2013.  I’ve survived leaving a verbally abusive husband, I’ve survived a very bad accident which included unbearable pain and agony as well as lost memories and feeling trapped in a broken body.  My ex filed for divorce in June 2014 the day I was to go in for surgery due to the accident because yeah, he’s an awesome guy.  I survived a bad breakup.  I have had to learn how to live with no money after being unemployed for months.  I had to learn how to be a single mom.  I had to learn how to cook and clean.  I had to learn how to grocery shop and do meal planning.

Anyway, that was quite the emotional tangent.  I finally found a new job in mid December.  The job I have pays on the 15th and last day of the month.  So I wasn’t going to be paid until the end of December for the three days I got in before the 15th of the month.  And the next full check wasn’t going to be full because of the holidays.  I took some pay advances just to have food in my house and to make a rent payment.  January 31st was my first, all at once paycheck.  My lawyer and his lawyer had been discussing the fact that I had no money and couldn’t pay until February 1 and he was okay with that.  I made a timing error and missed getting to the bank before it closed.  He was paid on February 2nd.  He filed fucking contempt of court charges against me.

He claimed that I would never, ever, ever, ever pay unless the court made me do it.  He claimed he was destitute while I was swimming in cash flow.  (Yet I lost 20 pounds starving myself to save food for my kids while he took them to movies.)  He asked the court to make me pay it all RIGHT NOW with interest oh and he wants me to pay child support going back to October even though no order has been issued for it.  And he wants the spare key to the truck that’s in my name only that he’s driving.

First, the timestamp on the cashier’s check I paid him with shows I had it hours before I was served with the contempt paperwork.  So clearly I had every intention of paying him before the court got involved.  The judge was not happy with his lawyer.  She looked at him and declared immediately that I would not be held in contempt, that there would be no judgement (which means no interest on the missed payments), and that it would get paid “later” and is not a priority over the community debts.  In other words, fuck you fuckerson.  You don’t get shit and I don’t have to pull money out of empty pockets to try and pay you.  You can wait until the house sells to get your damn money asshole.

So then came the issue of child support.  His lawyer used the court form and did his own fancy math on it and submitted it trying to say well this is a unique situation because no parent is the primary because we split the weekdays in half since he works at night and I work during the day and on and on and on about how his math is better than the form that has all sorts of laws that say how it needs to be filled out.  His lawyer’s version showed me owing about $1,700 per month in child support.  My lawyer filled out the same form following the letter of the law and it shows that because I have the kids for 96% of the overnights during the year that HE actually OWES ME child support even though I make a shitton more money than he does.  The judge literally yelled at my ex’s lawyer telling him he fucked up and to fix it.  His lawyer also left off a key computation of the alimony money which shows him making more and me making less when factored in.  The judge admonished him for that one.  He should be embarrassed.

I’m guessing though based on my experiences with them that my in-laws are telling, rather mandating, what the lawyer will do.  He is probably advising them against everything stupid petty trick they’ve tried but they push instead and lose.  My guess is that they will fire him, blaming him for losing instead of their own pettiness, and hire someone else who will end up in the same boat as this guy.  After all, my father-in-law did declare that I was a cunt who will end up living in a cardboard box and I’ll never see my kids again.  Looks like his loser, asshole son who needed mommy and daddy to buy him a house is the one that would be living in the cardboard house without kids.  I’ve got a good job and even if I have to pay out of my ass until my son graduates high school, there’s still an end in sight to this drama and someday I’ll be living in my dream home again with everything I’ve ever wanted minus the asshole ex husband.

The judge clearly hates that lawyer and my ex.  This is the second time they have shown up trying to eat me alive and leaving worse off then when they came in.

Merry Damn Christmas

I’m lamenting, I know.  Posts like this aren’t fun to read.

So divorce means the kids can’t be in two places at once.  We all know that and when we choose to divorce we see the evil it will create when kids are involved but rarely do we realize how much pain it will cause on holidays.  This year I do not get to see my children on Christmas day – they will be with their father.  Dropping them off tonight was excruciatingly painful.  I cried, I yelled.  But I had the good sense to wait until I was around the corner driving away so that they didn’t see how much it hurts to not spend tomorrow with them.  Next year, he will have to do what I just did and I already feel badly for him even though he doesn’t care one iota about me.

I’ve been barely surviving financially for almost three months now having been unemployed since October.  So this Christmas I couldn’t get them very much.  In fact, if it weren’t for the charity of others, I wouldn’t have been able to get them anything at all.  I found a group that makes bikes from old bikes for kids with parents who need help with gifts.  So they got some really cool bikes.  I had a coworker hand me $200 with the specific instructions that it was for Christmas gifts and I followed his instructions.  So they didn’t get much but they got something and I had a great time watching them open their gifts.  They know how tight things have been and they weren’t outwardly disappointed.  Of course, tomorrow on the “real” Christmas their father’s parents will spoil them rotten and they will forget about the four or five things I got them.  They will probably never understand the struggles I went through these past few months trying to put food on the table because I don’t burden them with those details.  I’m employed now, I have regular paychecks coming soon – in a few days in fact.  And it will be nice not to stress about money anymore.  I will start saving immediately so that I can be someone’s Christmas angel next year.  I will pay it forward.  How could I not?

My friends are all on Facebook posting pictures of their beautiful trees and piles of presents.  Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas while smiling and enjoying themselves.  No one remembers the divorced parents who are sad, the destitute parents who just wanted something-anything under a tree for their kids, or the parents who have lost their child and are distraught.  I was buying some beer at the grocery store just a bit ago since I’m having some friends over this weekend and the clerk wished me a very enthusiastic Merry Christmas while I was grabbing up my bags.  I wanted to slap her.  It’s not going to be a Merry Christmas.  It’s going to be a Sad Christmas.  I’m going to wander my house and look at the two presents I bought for myself, the presents they left behind because those gifts live here.  I’ll probably make my kids’ beds, sniffing their empty pillows, and consider doing their laundry.  Maybe I’ll even clean their rooms for them.  Sounds “Merry” right?  I’ll survive their week and a half long visit with their father.  It might suck tomorrow.  But I’m tougher for it and more focused than ever on making sure my kids get what they need to grow up strong.

Merry Damn Christmas everyone.

Carefree? No but I wish I could be… again

I used to be so confident and carefree.  I remember feeling so happy that everyone wanted to be around me all the time.  I had lots of friends to choose from when I wanted to go out and have fun.  I could date anyone I wanted because they all flocked to me.  I was carefree and flying on air.

Then I got married.  I thought getting married meant I had to be something different.  I thought it meant that I was supposed to capitulate to my spouse.  If he didn’t want to go out, then I was supposed to stay home.  If he didn’t want to have friends over, then I was supposed to stay home alone with him.  I lost my zest for life and over time, I lost track of the carefree person I used to be.  Then in the middle of my life, I realized I was living a life that wasn’t right for me and came out as gay, choosing to divorce the husband I no longer loved and barely cared for.

The choices I made chased a few people away and some I chose to leave behind.  I have very few friends now and although they are amazingly supportive, none are in the gay community, nor do they know anyone who is (besides rookie me).  I have lived in a hetero world where the rules are totally different and I have been pushing people away for so long to keep them from having to deal with my unhappy life, that I have no idea how to make new friends or how to accept this new version of me – this person I’ve become.  I want to be free to explore this new world but without a basic understanding of the rules or what’s expected, I feel lost.  I am desperate to feel comfortable because it is clear the tolerance and acceptance of others is profoundly simpler than the world I was in.  I want to feel that love that the gay community seems to embrace.

I am afraid to fail.  Making such a big change this late in life, it feels like my last chance to change my stripes and I’m afraid that no one will like me and I will forever be trapped in a life where I will never become who I want to be.

All I want is for someone to take me by the hand and bring me into this new world with full acceptance of who I am including my faults and show me how to live a life free from the fear of rejection.

I want a champion who will fight for me to show me who I can be (particularly within the gay community), not fight with me over who I once was and the residual affects of my past.  I want to be able to go to a party and not worry what everyone thinks of me or wonder if after I leave will anyone ask me to come back or even care that I’m gone.  I want to laugh and have fun without worry.  I want people to like me and since I’m afraid of being unlikable, I am afraid to be me.  I find it difficult at best to recognize when people aren’t just patronizing me with banality because I’m in the same room.  When I am invited to any kind of event, it feels like such a privilege that I’m afraid I’m going to blow it and end the night without securing a single new friend and because of my own insecurities, I usually end up living out the exact scenario that I feared.

If someone could just be my champion and provide a little bit of reassurance that I’m doing this right, I know I would build the confidence I need in short order.  I want friends.  I want to love someone who loves me in return.  That’s it.  It’s really that simple.  I want to feel like I belong.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin.  I don’t want to keep hearing about what I’ve done wrong today, I want to hear what I did right.  I want to be accepted.  Unconditionally accepted.  I want to be attractive to someone who can see past my insecurities and loves me anyway for who I really am.  I just want to feel loved and accepted.  Is that too much to ask?

My World is Looking Up

I’ve been unemployed for the past couple of months.  It sucks.  I had grown accustomed to paying my bills and still having some money to spend on the things I wanted.  I filed for unemployment almost immediately but the wonderful State of Oregon took their sweet time processing my claim.  All of a sudden, I had $10 in my pocket and nothing in the bank and no hope in sight for any kind of paycheck.  It was scary.  It wasn’t until the fourth week that they finally approved me for unemployment and sent me a weekly pittance check compared to what my income usually is.  I was embarrassed to ask my friends for help because most of them are strapped for cash too.  So I held my breath, kept my wits in check, clutched onto every cent I could, and hoped the state money would carry me through until I finally found a job.

I was too ashamed to use the food bank so I quit eating when my kids weren’t here.  I wanted to conserve food for their dinners and breakfasts.  Since losing my job in October, I’ve lost twenty pounds.  I’ve been too ashamed to use any of the food banks because I should have done a better job saving my money for this type of rainy day and I should have donated more when I had money in my pocket.  A neighbor heard me discussing my lack of funds and grocery bags full of food appeared on my porch.  I cried for hours in humble humility and thanks.  For Thanksgiving, I hosted a potluck and invited all of my amazing friends.  I gained three pounds that week because they all left their leftovers for me and the kids – and they needed to be eaten before they went bad.  It was one of the best holidays I’ve ever celebrated.  So full of fun and laughter and food.  The food in my stomach gave me a new sort of power over my life.  It sounds odd to say it like that but feeling well fed really does change a person.

It didn’t surprise me that my first interview after Thanksgiving was a success and I’ve been shortlisted with only one other person for the position.  The second interview landed me an offer within days.  I’m now in a position where after being unemployed and starving for two months to having potentially competing offers.  The first job is a full-time permanent position with massive benefits and a huge leap into an industry that is nearly impossible to break into.  The second job, with the offer in hand, is a contract position that will last a minimum of six months.  In my field, 95% of the positions are contract so a full-time permanent position is highly coveted.  The second job is also twice as far away and during commute hours, that’s not going to be an exciting thing.  So I’ve decided to accept the contract position and pursue the permanent one.  For those of you who haven’t worked contract positions, it’s the same as a permanent position now-a-days just with an expiration date.  I earn money through a W-2, the company I work for deducts taxes from my paycheck, and I’m usually offered a company provided benefits package.

So now, after almost a year of hell.  My world is looking up.  I will soon have money in my pocket again, I’ve learned how to appreciate the things that I have and not worry about the things I don’t have, I’ve learned how to stand up for myself, I’ve stopped trying to make enemies out of my past and instead focus on the positive prospect of the future.  I’ve learned to love with open arms, not only the people around me but I’ve had to learn to love myself too.  I have amazing kids, a nice home, a job I can be proud of, lots of loving friends, and my world is falling back together after being broken for so long.

So here’s my parting words for today…  If you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for help.  If you’re hurting, let someone know – having someone nearby is sometimes the best medicine.  If you’re broke, keep looking for the break in the clouds – keep pursuing work, don’t give up. If you’re not happy with who you are, change yourself – no one else can change you except you.  Don’t let someone else’s choices become your choices – decide for yourself how you would like your world to be and pursue it.  I had to learn to accept that not everyone sees the world the way I do and that’s okay, but I don’t have to live the way they dictate.  I can do things my own way and if I lose a friend or family member over it, that is their choice to not accept that I am different from who they want me to be.