Tag Archives: Portland

I’m NOT Renting a Uhaul!

I’ve been told by some of my seasoned lesbian friends that new lesbians fall in love hard and fast.  We tend to move in together too soon and we are head over heels in love within seconds of meeting.  Uhaul lesbians – they are a real thing.

I met this girl back in December.  She is absolutely the greatest love I have ever had.  The same one I mention in https://thebreadwinninglesbian.wordpress.com/2015/01/26/its-been-awhile/.  She cares about me in a way that no one really ever has before.  She doesn’t let me pretend that I’m fine when I’m not.  She doesn’t let me worm my way out of uncomfortable conversations with a joke.  She holds me when I’m weak and leans on me when I’m strong.  We still haven’t had a single argument or even a bickering session.  She amazes me.  Every time I look at her I think wow she is absolutely gorgeous and I don’t deserve her, I hope she doesn’t figure it out.

Oh, and in bed – holy shit.  This girl is amazing in bed.  She’s not my first woman but OH MY GOD.  I have never wanted someone as much as I want to be with her.  I crave sex.  I actually dream about it now.  For the first time in my life, I’m with someone I want to be with.  The best part – she likes sex with me as much as I like it with her.  She’s scandalously sexy in bed.  She has introduced new things to me in the bedroom that just makes me squish when I think about it.

So we don’t fight, we are both widely attracted to each other, she makes me be a better person than I thought i could be.  I love her, she loves me. Did we move in together?  Nope. Not yet.  But we’ve got it planned out!  We both have two kids.  Her sons are excited to add me to their family but my kids (who are still freshly injured in a vengeful divorce) are not nearly as excited about the whole adding brothers / mothers thing.  I want to marry her – she knows this.  But I’m waiting until I’m officially divorced and my kids accept the idea a little better before I buy her a real engagement ring.  We aren’t even moving in together for at least another year although spending days at a time away from each other in our own homes is torturous at best.  We want to do this right so we wait.  When her boys are with their dad, she’s at my house with me and my kiddos.  When my kids are at their dads, I’m at her house with her and her boys.  When we on a very rare occasion have no children – we stay naked for days.

I’m in love.  I am willing to wait a lifetime to call her my wife.

Side Note:  Amazing how much the brain washing of conservative christianity can do to a gay person.  Having been in wrong sex relationships my whole life, I hated sex.  I thought of it as a bi annual chore to avoid because it just never turned me on.  I spent the better part of twenty years avoiding sex.  I would get dressed for work after my ex left the bedroom so that he wouldn’t see me naked.  I would lock the door when I showered.  I wouldn’t go to bed until he was guaranteed to be asleep.  I slept in full pajamas and insisted he wear them too making up an excuse about how the kids might need us in the middle of the night.  In fact, one time in my sleep he tried to poke me awake for sex and I yelled (while SOUND ASLEEP) that “you know I don’t like it when you touch me” – he was angry for days at that one.  I hated / despised / loathed sex with men.  Penises and the stuff that comes out of them, have always made me want to vomit.  I look back now and see all the times that I should have been able to figure out what was misaligned in my life and am just dumbfounded how long it took me to realize I like women.  I preferred lesbian porn, all my favorite actors were women, all my favorite musicians were women, the whole penis thing, everything about me – so much more than I want to list – screamed that I was indeed into women.  I think my parents saw this and purposely steered me away from realizing who I really was.  I was often ridiculed for the way I dressed or wanted to do my hair.  I finally started just letting the hair dresser decide and went with it because it was easier than requesting something my mother and sisters would shame me for.  I wore dresses when I had to because I was tired of being asked why I didn’t want to.  I married the first man that seemed capable of putting up with me.

Contempt My Ass

So life was good until almost two years ago when my marriage was suddenly, irretrievably broken.  Before that day, I had a beautiful home, a “perfect” family, two amazing kids, two swanky cars, a few dogs, a great job – everything I ever wanted in this world I had.  I remember sitting in my home one day all alone and thinking – I have everything I’ve ever wanted….  why am I not happy.  When the marriage fell apart due to my husband, I lost most of that list.  Some things permanently, some temporarily.  The house is on the market, we need to pay debts with the equity.  I now have one of the two swanky cars – he got the other one.  I have to share time with my kiddos now and that sucks.  I ended up with the dogs (yay!) but spent several months without seeing them because of the ex.  I quit a job for a better job, then wrecked my motorcycle, missed a bunch of work to heal, finally got better and got called into court by my ex.  My boss decided I’d missed enough work and fired me.

I’ve lived a hundred lives since April 2013.  I’ve survived leaving a verbally abusive husband, I’ve survived a very bad accident which included unbearable pain and agony as well as lost memories and feeling trapped in a broken body.  My ex filed for divorce in June 2014 the day I was to go in for surgery due to the accident because yeah, he’s an awesome guy.  I survived a bad breakup.  I have had to learn how to live with no money after being unemployed for months.  I had to learn how to be a single mom.  I had to learn how to cook and clean.  I had to learn how to grocery shop and do meal planning.

Anyway, that was quite the emotional tangent.  I finally found a new job in mid December.  The job I have pays on the 15th and last day of the month.  So I wasn’t going to be paid until the end of December for the three days I got in before the 15th of the month.  And the next full check wasn’t going to be full because of the holidays.  I took some pay advances just to have food in my house and to make a rent payment.  January 31st was my first, all at once paycheck.  My lawyer and his lawyer had been discussing the fact that I had no money and couldn’t pay until February 1 and he was okay with that.  I made a timing error and missed getting to the bank before it closed.  He was paid on February 2nd.  He filed fucking contempt of court charges against me.

He claimed that I would never, ever, ever, ever pay unless the court made me do it.  He claimed he was destitute while I was swimming in cash flow.  (Yet I lost 20 pounds starving myself to save food for my kids while he took them to movies.)  He asked the court to make me pay it all RIGHT NOW with interest oh and he wants me to pay child support going back to October even though no order has been issued for it.  And he wants the spare key to the truck that’s in my name only that he’s driving.

First, the timestamp on the cashier’s check I paid him with shows I had it hours before I was served with the contempt paperwork.  So clearly I had every intention of paying him before the court got involved.  The judge was not happy with his lawyer.  She looked at him and declared immediately that I would not be held in contempt, that there would be no judgement (which means no interest on the missed payments), and that it would get paid “later” and is not a priority over the community debts.  In other words, fuck you fuckerson.  You don’t get shit and I don’t have to pull money out of empty pockets to try and pay you.  You can wait until the house sells to get your damn money asshole.

So then came the issue of child support.  His lawyer used the court form and did his own fancy math on it and submitted it trying to say well this is a unique situation because no parent is the primary because we split the weekdays in half since he works at night and I work during the day and on and on and on about how his math is better than the form that has all sorts of laws that say how it needs to be filled out.  His lawyer’s version showed me owing about $1,700 per month in child support.  My lawyer filled out the same form following the letter of the law and it shows that because I have the kids for 96% of the overnights during the year that HE actually OWES ME child support even though I make a shitton more money than he does.  The judge literally yelled at my ex’s lawyer telling him he fucked up and to fix it.  His lawyer also left off a key computation of the alimony money which shows him making more and me making less when factored in.  The judge admonished him for that one.  He should be embarrassed.

I’m guessing though based on my experiences with them that my in-laws are telling, rather mandating, what the lawyer will do.  He is probably advising them against everything stupid petty trick they’ve tried but they push instead and lose.  My guess is that they will fire him, blaming him for losing instead of their own pettiness, and hire someone else who will end up in the same boat as this guy.  After all, my father-in-law did declare that I was a cunt who will end up living in a cardboard box and I’ll never see my kids again.  Looks like his loser, asshole son who needed mommy and daddy to buy him a house is the one that would be living in the cardboard house without kids.  I’ve got a good job and even if I have to pay out of my ass until my son graduates high school, there’s still an end in sight to this drama and someday I’ll be living in my dream home again with everything I’ve ever wanted minus the asshole ex husband.

The judge clearly hates that lawyer and my ex.  This is the second time they have shown up trying to eat me alive and leaving worse off then when they came in.

It’s Been Awhile

Just before Christmas I called a friend and said – I need to get out of here!  I had been trapped at home without any money for a long time and a paycheck had finally come through.  There was an awesome lesbian’s only dance in Portland the weekend after Christmas and I thought it would be a perfect way to burn off some steam.  The friend asked if she could invite another friend and I said why not!  The more the merrier!

Turns out this other friend was someone I was eyeballing on OK Cupid and someone I had met a few months earlier at the mutual friend’s birthday bash.  So I sent her a message – “I guess we’re going out this weekend”  We texted back and forth for days and she was so easy to talk to I was eagerly looking forward to our night out.  The moment I saw her walking through my friend’s house before heading to the club, I knew my life was about to change.  My heart instantly knew she was the person I needed to spend the rest of my life with before I even heard her speak.

I have spent the past four weeks with this girl of my dreams.  We have spent every minute possible together even though we live half an hour apart.  She comes over as soon as her boys are with their dad and I’m headed to her house as soon as my kids are with their dad.  I’ve spent quite a bit of time with her mom and she’s spent time with my chosen family.  Our kids have met several times and thoroughly enjoy each other.  My daughter asked me if her mom will be their new step-grandma after getting to spend the afternoon with her when I had to work and needed a sitter – in a very hopeful tone.  It’s been a very busy month of parties and events and we have pretty much hung out with everyone in our inner circles and not one person has had any concerns about our relationship. My friends all see her and say, “YES! This is the girl we’ve been waiting for you to find!  She is perfect for you, she is gorgeous – and you belong with a beautiful girl – and she clearly loves you as much as you love her”

With my ex-husband it never felt like this.  He was always disappointed and unhappy.  The love I once had for him was there but it was different.  I married him because it felt like the right thing to do.  I was the right age, he seemed like he could tolerate me for the rest of my life.  Instead it was a life of misery for me.  I was never free to do what I wanted to do.  If I wanted to go somewhere I had to bring him and he always sullied the mood, complaining on the way, complaining while we were there, and complaining after we got home.  No one wanted him around so they quit inviting me.  I became a shell whose whole world was making him happy by suppressing what I wanted to be doing.  When I gave up hiding my own passions, we immediately started falling apart.  He started drinking.  I started doing more and more without him. I had been searching for something since marrying him and I didn’t know what it was.  I traveled for work, I went back to school twice, I changed jobs, I changed states, I changed my church going habits, I changed my friends, I changed nearly everything and I could not figure out why it felt like something was missing in my life.  When we had our last falling out last Spring, I was done with the marriage.  About six months later, I started having an affair with a woman simultaneously realizing I was gay and that’s part of what I was missing.  Six months after that, I found the courage to walk away from my marriage.  He never had a passionate hold on my heart and he was easy to walk away from.

Before she and I met, I never thought I would find exactly what I was looking for.  I was beginning to wonder if I was just too unique to be loved the way that I am.  I had been on a journey trying to find what was missing from my life for so long that the goal of having a life filled with happiness, peace, love, and laughter seemed unobtainable and unrealistic. From the very instant she walked into my life, I felt so suddenly and completely happy. My search is over; I have found what I was looking for. She is beautiful both inside and out. She has a passion for life, love, adventure, and harmony that is breathtakingly inspiring. She has a sense of humor that is so in tune with mine, it is scary at times. She loves me for me, not a version of me that I present to her, but the entirety of me – which is not something I have ever experienced before. She accepts my flaws and in some cases finds them inexplicably attractive. We have the same desires in life, and while we are different, we fit together so perfectly that it is as if we are two halves of the same whole. I love everything about her. My journey to find what I was looking for is over because she is what I was seeking. The rest of my life is going to be a happy adventure because she will be here to share it with me. I love her. Without her I would still be looking for something I never would have found.  On top of all that, she is stunningly beautiful.  She moves her body with a grace that just entrances me.  Her eyes are an amazing shade of blue.  Her smile has these perfect little laugh lines that entice me to want to kiss her lips. The curves of her body are just plain sexy.

I miss her as soon as we are in our separate homes.  My head says wait to have her move in but my heart says tomorrow. Can I make it happen tomorrow?  I am mentally rearranging the furniture in my home to accommodate hers.  I’ve even figured out which room her boys should sleep in, moving my teenager into the largest room in the house.  Wondering if it would be better to just find a new rental that can accommodate all of us including her mom too.  So many choices, so much rushing into this relationship.  I don’t want to be a UHaul Lesbian – but I’m turning into one with this girl.  I’m in love.  I have spent so much time in my life waiting and wondering.  I don’t want to miss out on even a day with her.  I want to hold her in my arms every night and kiss her sleepy lips every morning.  I want her in my life.

Merry Damn Christmas

I’m lamenting, I know.  Posts like this aren’t fun to read.

So divorce means the kids can’t be in two places at once.  We all know that and when we choose to divorce we see the evil it will create when kids are involved but rarely do we realize how much pain it will cause on holidays.  This year I do not get to see my children on Christmas day – they will be with their father.  Dropping them off tonight was excruciatingly painful.  I cried, I yelled.  But I had the good sense to wait until I was around the corner driving away so that they didn’t see how much it hurts to not spend tomorrow with them.  Next year, he will have to do what I just did and I already feel badly for him even though he doesn’t care one iota about me.

I’ve been barely surviving financially for almost three months now having been unemployed since October.  So this Christmas I couldn’t get them very much.  In fact, if it weren’t for the charity of others, I wouldn’t have been able to get them anything at all.  I found a group that makes bikes from old bikes for kids with parents who need help with gifts.  So they got some really cool bikes.  I had a coworker hand me $200 with the specific instructions that it was for Christmas gifts and I followed his instructions.  So they didn’t get much but they got something and I had a great time watching them open their gifts.  They know how tight things have been and they weren’t outwardly disappointed.  Of course, tomorrow on the “real” Christmas their father’s parents will spoil them rotten and they will forget about the four or five things I got them.  They will probably never understand the struggles I went through these past few months trying to put food on the table because I don’t burden them with those details.  I’m employed now, I have regular paychecks coming soon – in a few days in fact.  And it will be nice not to stress about money anymore.  I will start saving immediately so that I can be someone’s Christmas angel next year.  I will pay it forward.  How could I not?

My friends are all on Facebook posting pictures of their beautiful trees and piles of presents.  Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas while smiling and enjoying themselves.  No one remembers the divorced parents who are sad, the destitute parents who just wanted something-anything under a tree for their kids, or the parents who have lost their child and are distraught.  I was buying some beer at the grocery store just a bit ago since I’m having some friends over this weekend and the clerk wished me a very enthusiastic Merry Christmas while I was grabbing up my bags.  I wanted to slap her.  It’s not going to be a Merry Christmas.  It’s going to be a Sad Christmas.  I’m going to wander my house and look at the two presents I bought for myself, the presents they left behind because those gifts live here.  I’ll probably make my kids’ beds, sniffing their empty pillows, and consider doing their laundry.  Maybe I’ll even clean their rooms for them.  Sounds “Merry” right?  I’ll survive their week and a half long visit with their father.  It might suck tomorrow.  But I’m tougher for it and more focused than ever on making sure my kids get what they need to grow up strong.

Merry Damn Christmas everyone.

Carefree? No but I wish I could be… again

I used to be so confident and carefree.  I remember feeling so happy that everyone wanted to be around me all the time.  I had lots of friends to choose from when I wanted to go out and have fun.  I could date anyone I wanted because they all flocked to me.  I was carefree and flying on air.

Then I got married.  I thought getting married meant I had to be something different.  I thought it meant that I was supposed to capitulate to my spouse.  If he didn’t want to go out, then I was supposed to stay home.  If he didn’t want to have friends over, then I was supposed to stay home alone with him.  I lost my zest for life and over time, I lost track of the carefree person I used to be.  Then in the middle of my life, I realized I was living a life that wasn’t right for me and came out as gay, choosing to divorce the husband I no longer loved and barely cared for.

The choices I made chased a few people away and some I chose to leave behind.  I have very few friends now and although they are amazingly supportive, none are in the gay community, nor do they know anyone who is (besides rookie me).  I have lived in a hetero world where the rules are totally different and I have been pushing people away for so long to keep them from having to deal with my unhappy life, that I have no idea how to make new friends or how to accept this new version of me – this person I’ve become.  I want to be free to explore this new world but without a basic understanding of the rules or what’s expected, I feel lost.  I am desperate to feel comfortable because it is clear the tolerance and acceptance of others is profoundly simpler than the world I was in.  I want to feel that love that the gay community seems to embrace.

I am afraid to fail.  Making such a big change this late in life, it feels like my last chance to change my stripes and I’m afraid that no one will like me and I will forever be trapped in a life where I will never become who I want to be.

All I want is for someone to take me by the hand and bring me into this new world with full acceptance of who I am including my faults and show me how to live a life free from the fear of rejection.

I want a champion who will fight for me to show me who I can be (particularly within the gay community), not fight with me over who I once was and the residual affects of my past.  I want to be able to go to a party and not worry what everyone thinks of me or wonder if after I leave will anyone ask me to come back or even care that I’m gone.  I want to laugh and have fun without worry.  I want people to like me and since I’m afraid of being unlikable, I am afraid to be me.  I find it difficult at best to recognize when people aren’t just patronizing me with banality because I’m in the same room.  When I am invited to any kind of event, it feels like such a privilege that I’m afraid I’m going to blow it and end the night without securing a single new friend and because of my own insecurities, I usually end up living out the exact scenario that I feared.

If someone could just be my champion and provide a little bit of reassurance that I’m doing this right, I know I would build the confidence I need in short order.  I want friends.  I want to love someone who loves me in return.  That’s it.  It’s really that simple.  I want to feel like I belong.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin.  I don’t want to keep hearing about what I’ve done wrong today, I want to hear what I did right.  I want to be accepted.  Unconditionally accepted.  I want to be attractive to someone who can see past my insecurities and loves me anyway for who I really am.  I just want to feel loved and accepted.  Is that too much to ask?

My World is Looking Up

I’ve been unemployed for the past couple of months.  It sucks.  I had grown accustomed to paying my bills and still having some money to spend on the things I wanted.  I filed for unemployment almost immediately but the wonderful State of Oregon took their sweet time processing my claim.  All of a sudden, I had $10 in my pocket and nothing in the bank and no hope in sight for any kind of paycheck.  It was scary.  It wasn’t until the fourth week that they finally approved me for unemployment and sent me a weekly pittance check compared to what my income usually is.  I was embarrassed to ask my friends for help because most of them are strapped for cash too.  So I held my breath, kept my wits in check, clutched onto every cent I could, and hoped the state money would carry me through until I finally found a job.

I was too ashamed to use the food bank so I quit eating when my kids weren’t here.  I wanted to conserve food for their dinners and breakfasts.  Since losing my job in October, I’ve lost twenty pounds.  I’ve been too ashamed to use any of the food banks because I should have done a better job saving my money for this type of rainy day and I should have donated more when I had money in my pocket.  A neighbor heard me discussing my lack of funds and grocery bags full of food appeared on my porch.  I cried for hours in humble humility and thanks.  For Thanksgiving, I hosted a potluck and invited all of my amazing friends.  I gained three pounds that week because they all left their leftovers for me and the kids – and they needed to be eaten before they went bad.  It was one of the best holidays I’ve ever celebrated.  So full of fun and laughter and food.  The food in my stomach gave me a new sort of power over my life.  It sounds odd to say it like that but feeling well fed really does change a person.

It didn’t surprise me that my first interview after Thanksgiving was a success and I’ve been shortlisted with only one other person for the position.  The second interview landed me an offer within days.  I’m now in a position where after being unemployed and starving for two months to having potentially competing offers.  The first job is a full-time permanent position with massive benefits and a huge leap into an industry that is nearly impossible to break into.  The second job, with the offer in hand, is a contract position that will last a minimum of six months.  In my field, 95% of the positions are contract so a full-time permanent position is highly coveted.  The second job is also twice as far away and during commute hours, that’s not going to be an exciting thing.  So I’ve decided to accept the contract position and pursue the permanent one.  For those of you who haven’t worked contract positions, it’s the same as a permanent position now-a-days just with an expiration date.  I earn money through a W-2, the company I work for deducts taxes from my paycheck, and I’m usually offered a company provided benefits package.

So now, after almost a year of hell.  My world is looking up.  I will soon have money in my pocket again, I’ve learned how to appreciate the things that I have and not worry about the things I don’t have, I’ve learned how to stand up for myself, I’ve stopped trying to make enemies out of my past and instead focus on the positive prospect of the future.  I’ve learned to love with open arms, not only the people around me but I’ve had to learn to love myself too.  I have amazing kids, a nice home, a job I can be proud of, lots of loving friends, and my world is falling back together after being broken for so long.

So here’s my parting words for today…  If you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for help.  If you’re hurting, let someone know – having someone nearby is sometimes the best medicine.  If you’re broke, keep looking for the break in the clouds – keep pursuing work, don’t give up. If you’re not happy with who you are, change yourself – no one else can change you except you.  Don’t let someone else’s choices become your choices – decide for yourself how you would like your world to be and pursue it.  I had to learn to accept that not everyone sees the world the way I do and that’s okay, but I don’t have to live the way they dictate.  I can do things my own way and if I lose a friend or family member over it, that is their choice to not accept that I am different from who they want me to be.

She Doesn’t Trust Me – And I Don’t Blame Her

My daughter told me last night she doesn’t trust me.  I don’t blame her even one bit.  We were talking last night about her wanting to sleep on her new futon instead of her wonderful bed and the conversation got pretty deep.  I reminded her that she can tell me anything she wants.  She hesitated then said, “Mom, I don’t trust you.  I don’t know why but I just don’t.”  She clearly was scared to death that I was going to lose it on her but instead I told her I wasn’t surprised.  Here’s my reasoning…

A year and a half ago, my marriage failed.  I knew it, my husband didn’t.  For six months, I tried to restart my flame but it was out.  Not even flickering, totally cold, OUT.  I was done but I hadn’t quit yet.  I tried taking trips with my ex, I tried having more sex, I tried everything I could think of and nothing worked.  My heart was done even if my head wasn’t.  Around the sixth month I finished my Master’s degree and I began to find other things to occupy my time.  I went out with friends, I worked longer hours, and I avoided my husband.  This whole time, my kids could see that something was wrong between us but it really wasn’t unusual for us to fight or ignore each other.  Their mom was changing into someone they didn’t recognize.

Then I met a woman who became the center of my attention with the exception of my children.  They have always come first. I often had them come to her house to hang out at birthday parties or just to hang out.  She and her family came to our house for a number of social visits.  I was changing even more because having a friend who I spent a lot of time with was a new concept in our house.  My ex had chased everyone else away and my kids got used to me not having many friends. Especially not having friends I hung out with on a regular basis outside of Girl Scouts.  Then I fell in love with this friend, and she with me (See My First Girlfriend post) and I changed even more.  I was suddenly very happy but still avoiding their dad. This was weird for them.

Then I wrecked my motorcycle and had to move in with my friend and her family.  My kids would come stay with me at their house regularly but it was weird.  I was heavily medicated, I was in a lot of pain, I had to be helped with basic things like going to the bathroom.  I was no longer their strong willed, independent mother.  I was an invalid that they loved but weren’t sure what to do with.

Then I healed my broken bones and my broken head and changed even more because I am a survivor.  I had to fight to be where I am and I’m not going to back down for anyone.  I am strong willed but in a different way.  It’s less about how awesome my job is or how much money I make and more about the inner strength I had to build to win the battle over my body.  Different things in life are important to me now.

So I told my daughter, “I’m not surprised.”  And I think her chin hit her mattress.  I went on to say, I am a different person than I used to be.  I’m changing every day.  I think differently, I act differently, I now like girls instead of boys, I am completely different with one exception – you and your brother.  The two of you have always been and will always be the most important thing to me.” She nodded and added a quiet – yup.  Then I talked about how her dad is the same guy he’s always been.  He lives in the same house, with the same attitude, he does things the same way he always has, and he probably always will.  You know what to expect from your dad, you don’t know what to expect from me.  And she looked at me like, wow I hadn’t thought of it that way.  I let her know it was perfectly acceptable for her to question whether or not to trust me since I was basically a new person to her.  And I thanked her for telling me and asked her to let me know if I ever do something that doesn’t make sense or if she has any questions for me.

I feel like a better mom today because I finally figured out what was bothering her.  We had a great day today.  She talked openly with me about her boyfriend and some other stuff that happened at school.  Today was a good day.  I’m hoping tomorrow will be just as positive and wonderful.  Happy Mom Day!