Tag Archives: compassion

I survived. I am happy. I am thriving. I am still healing.

A year ago today I posted this…

On my way to work this morning while riding my motorcycle I rear ended a semi truck. I was driving in commuter traffic and the semi suddenly stopped, locking up its brakes and fishtailing in front of me. I quickly ran out of stopping distance and drove into the back of the semi trailer going probably 15 miles an hour. I shattered my right forearm and my left arm is broken as well. I have a mild concussion but I got very lucky I have a long road with my right arm but I will be okay. The ambulance driver said my gear saved me from a worse fate. Responding to texts and answering phone calls is not easy right now. Please have patience with me.


A year ago today, my life was forever changed in a horrible accident. I remember the truck braking in front of me, I remember the truck’s paint two inches from my face, and I remember waking up on the side of the freeway screaming at the top of my lungs facing my mangled right arm. I don’t remember trying to stop or being ejected from my motorcycle. I remember the ambulance ride where I begged for pain meds because I was losing consciousness. I remember watching my friend arriving thinking it was minutes later only to realize I’d been out of it for hours. I remember the shocked look on her face when my family hung up on her when she tried to tell them I was in the emergency room. I remember seeing a friend from work coming to collect my work badge and deliver my final paycheck but it is only a fleeting memory. And then I remember spending weeks and weeks on a couch, either in horrible pain or in a drug induced blur. Then on my birthday, a mere 10 days after my accident, I went to work at a new job – delaying my recovery by months just to keep my family fed and housed.

My ex has focused on making my life as difficult as possible over the past year.  He has tried numerous times to take away my children, only to be told by the court that he’s a fool for trying.  He’s attempted to extort money, only to be responded to with court rulings that are clear that the money is not owed to him.  He’s dragging the divorce through the mud trying to do everything he can to hurt me, only he’s the one that is going to hurt when it’s over because I have moved on and I will win this war.

Yes, I wasn’t going that fast and I was able to post on Facebook that night (with text to speech and help from a friend) so it couldn’t have been that bad – right? I had no idea the long road I was facing. It has been a year full of battles. I’m still suffering some effects. The mild concussion I was diagnosed with turned into an eight month sanity battle. I often spoke and thought gibberish. I had many bouts with PTSD. I was exhausted. I ended up losing my new job. I had to fight to see my kids at all. I was in pain. I was suicidal. My family never came to see me, never offering to help in any way, and only texted me a couple of times to check on me because they cannot find it in themselves to accept a gay daughter who is divorcing a man who mistreated her. One of my dearest best friends could never understand the impact this accident had on me, so I had to walk away from our friendship after twenty years. The family that took me in after my accident, and took care of me for the next five months, deserves so much of my gratitude for helping me with not only the intimate care I required but the mental health care that truly is the reason I am here today but they have moved on with their lives and I am not a part of it anymore. They watched me suffer horrible pain and helped minimize it as much as they could, monitoring my meds carefully, dealt with having two extra kids around, found ways to feed me even when my body refused food, helped me in so many ways I cannot even come close to listing them all here. I wish I could thank them today for being the primary reason I survived.

But I am here. I am alive. I SURVIVED. I am ready to turn a new page and move on from this dark past. I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I’ve lost almost 60 pounds since my accident so I feel good. My strength is returning. I get to spend time with my kiddos every single day which I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world. I have a fantastic landlord and dear friend who has helped me through some rough times. I’d be homeless without her. My chosen family helped transport me to see my kids when I was unable to drive, helped me clean and move into my home, and helped me come through my darkest days – saving my life more times than they know. I have so many friends who have helped me to see that even though I’ve become estranged from my family, due to their biases, that I have a chosen family and that I am loved. I love all of you and I am so grateful to have each of you in my life.

Most significantly, I have found my real soul mate. She is the most amazing woman who has seen me at my best, and at my worst, and still keeps showing up. I am happier now than ever because she is in my life. She is the yang to my yin. I love her boys as if they were my own and I am looking forward to having her in my life for the rest of it.

Today Was a Great Day

Tomorrow should be even better…

My kiddos both had good days today.  We didn’t have any arguments, they smiled and laughed often.  We had a great family dinner and enjoyed each others company.

My ex has been accusing me of being the sole cause of my children’s poor behavior in school and at his home.  Since he has them directly before school and when they are at his house, this makes sense right that their behavior when not in my care is my fault?  Uh no.  Hey jackass…  When the kids misbehave for you, it’s you not me.

I am so ready to be divorced from him.  He is vengeful and bitter and angry and scared.  So he has taken me to court four times in he past five months.  He has lost every single hearing because he is asking for things that fall outside of precedence.  He and his father want to take every penny I have because I had the gall to want out of an unhappy marriage while being the breadwinner.  Unfortunately for him, since I am the one that spent all that time earning my degree and career, I get to keep it and he gets to go grow up at almost 40.  He claims I made him give up his career and that our financial struggles were my fault not at all related to his failure to provide a fucking penny to the family or over five years.  Total lies.  I begged him to find work.  So now after four court hearings where the judge has repeatedly ruled directly against his wishes, he has filed an appeal to be heard tomorrow.  His lawyer typed up a nine page request for revision that said how the commissioner fucked everything up, how he should have more alimony, how he should have child support, how I don’t have the kids as much as the actual factual math shows, how I should pay for his personal debts before we pay community debts with the few remaining community dollars, and how I should be held in contempt for paying him 12 hours late one time.  He also submitted a divorce settlement proposal which contradicts every ruling as if I might even consider agreeing to any of it.  I’d rather pay for a trial than go with his lunacy.  Like I would even glimpse at considering giving up my time with my kids and nearly half my salary when I have more time than he does to spend with them, through an established routine, and the courts have repeatedly stated through four court orders now that he has a sufficient income without any more money coming from me and what he is getting won’t last very long.  Time to grow up you drunk, lazy, asshole.

Lose some weight, take some anger management classes, go see a therapist who will help you come to terms with being the actual cause of the marriage failing not the ex wife who stuck with you for fifteen agonizing years.  Plus get over that I am gay.  Suck it up. I was raised by homophobes.  It wasn’t something I was allowed to fathom.  I’ve always liked women, I just didn’t know it because I wasn’t able to discover who I was.  I was forced into a box and I did my best but the walls failed and the world out here makes a hell of a lot more sense than that box ever did.

Fingers crossed that I win tomorrow.  If I do, I expect to be divorced within a month or so.  We will offer an immediate settlement that matches what the court has given him so far.  Nothing more.  Because fuck him and his cunt father.

My lawyer did an amazing job citing case law and precedence in her rebuttal that just destroys anything he tried to stand behind as a reason for the appeal.  Sure its possible I will lose tomorrow which would be horrifying but I am hugely optimistic.  Even his own lawyer hates him and thinks he is a trite fool who will fail and end up with less for telling the court they are wrong for ruling along side precedence using real math.

I’m NOT Renting a Uhaul!

I’ve been told by some of my seasoned lesbian friends that new lesbians fall in love hard and fast.  We tend to move in together too soon and we are head over heels in love within seconds of meeting.  Uhaul lesbians – they are a real thing.

I met this girl back in December.  She is absolutely the greatest love I have ever had.  The same one I mention in https://thebreadwinninglesbian.wordpress.com/2015/01/26/its-been-awhile/.  She cares about me in a way that no one really ever has before.  She doesn’t let me pretend that I’m fine when I’m not.  She doesn’t let me worm my way out of uncomfortable conversations with a joke.  She holds me when I’m weak and leans on me when I’m strong.  We still haven’t had a single argument or even a bickering session.  She amazes me.  Every time I look at her I think wow she is absolutely gorgeous and I don’t deserve her, I hope she doesn’t figure it out.

Oh, and in bed – holy shit.  This girl is amazing in bed.  She’s not my first woman but OH MY GOD.  I have never wanted someone as much as I want to be with her.  I crave sex.  I actually dream about it now.  For the first time in my life, I’m with someone I want to be with.  The best part – she likes sex with me as much as I like it with her.  She’s scandalously sexy in bed.  She has introduced new things to me in the bedroom that just makes me squish when I think about it.

So we don’t fight, we are both widely attracted to each other, she makes me be a better person than I thought i could be.  I love her, she loves me. Did we move in together?  Nope. Not yet.  But we’ve got it planned out!  We both have two kids.  Her sons are excited to add me to their family but my kids (who are still freshly injured in a vengeful divorce) are not nearly as excited about the whole adding brothers / mothers thing.  I want to marry her – she knows this.  But I’m waiting until I’m officially divorced and my kids accept the idea a little better before I buy her a real engagement ring.  We aren’t even moving in together for at least another year although spending days at a time away from each other in our own homes is torturous at best.  We want to do this right so we wait.  When her boys are with their dad, she’s at my house with me and my kiddos.  When my kids are at their dads, I’m at her house with her and her boys.  When we on a very rare occasion have no children – we stay naked for days.

I’m in love.  I am willing to wait a lifetime to call her my wife.

Side Note:  Amazing how much the brain washing of conservative christianity can do to a gay person.  Having been in wrong sex relationships my whole life, I hated sex.  I thought of it as a bi annual chore to avoid because it just never turned me on.  I spent the better part of twenty years avoiding sex.  I would get dressed for work after my ex left the bedroom so that he wouldn’t see me naked.  I would lock the door when I showered.  I wouldn’t go to bed until he was guaranteed to be asleep.  I slept in full pajamas and insisted he wear them too making up an excuse about how the kids might need us in the middle of the night.  In fact, one time in my sleep he tried to poke me awake for sex and I yelled (while SOUND ASLEEP) that “you know I don’t like it when you touch me” – he was angry for days at that one.  I hated / despised / loathed sex with men.  Penises and the stuff that comes out of them, have always made me want to vomit.  I look back now and see all the times that I should have been able to figure out what was misaligned in my life and am just dumbfounded how long it took me to realize I like women.  I preferred lesbian porn, all my favorite actors were women, all my favorite musicians were women, the whole penis thing, everything about me – so much more than I want to list – screamed that I was indeed into women.  I think my parents saw this and purposely steered me away from realizing who I really was.  I was often ridiculed for the way I dressed or wanted to do my hair.  I finally started just letting the hair dresser decide and went with it because it was easier than requesting something my mother and sisters would shame me for.  I wore dresses when I had to because I was tired of being asked why I didn’t want to.  I married the first man that seemed capable of putting up with me.

Contempt My Ass

So life was good until almost two years ago when my marriage was suddenly, irretrievably broken.  Before that day, I had a beautiful home, a “perfect” family, two amazing kids, two swanky cars, a few dogs, a great job – everything I ever wanted in this world I had.  I remember sitting in my home one day all alone and thinking – I have everything I’ve ever wanted….  why am I not happy.  When the marriage fell apart due to my husband, I lost most of that list.  Some things permanently, some temporarily.  The house is on the market, we need to pay debts with the equity.  I now have one of the two swanky cars – he got the other one.  I have to share time with my kiddos now and that sucks.  I ended up with the dogs (yay!) but spent several months without seeing them because of the ex.  I quit a job for a better job, then wrecked my motorcycle, missed a bunch of work to heal, finally got better and got called into court by my ex.  My boss decided I’d missed enough work and fired me.

I’ve lived a hundred lives since April 2013.  I’ve survived leaving a verbally abusive husband, I’ve survived a very bad accident which included unbearable pain and agony as well as lost memories and feeling trapped in a broken body.  My ex filed for divorce in June 2014 the day I was to go in for surgery due to the accident because yeah, he’s an awesome guy.  I survived a bad breakup.  I have had to learn how to live with no money after being unemployed for months.  I had to learn how to be a single mom.  I had to learn how to cook and clean.  I had to learn how to grocery shop and do meal planning.

Anyway, that was quite the emotional tangent.  I finally found a new job in mid December.  The job I have pays on the 15th and last day of the month.  So I wasn’t going to be paid until the end of December for the three days I got in before the 15th of the month.  And the next full check wasn’t going to be full because of the holidays.  I took some pay advances just to have food in my house and to make a rent payment.  January 31st was my first, all at once paycheck.  My lawyer and his lawyer had been discussing the fact that I had no money and couldn’t pay until February 1 and he was okay with that.  I made a timing error and missed getting to the bank before it closed.  He was paid on February 2nd.  He filed fucking contempt of court charges against me.

He claimed that I would never, ever, ever, ever pay unless the court made me do it.  He claimed he was destitute while I was swimming in cash flow.  (Yet I lost 20 pounds starving myself to save food for my kids while he took them to movies.)  He asked the court to make me pay it all RIGHT NOW with interest oh and he wants me to pay child support going back to October even though no order has been issued for it.  And he wants the spare key to the truck that’s in my name only that he’s driving.

First, the timestamp on the cashier’s check I paid him with shows I had it hours before I was served with the contempt paperwork.  So clearly I had every intention of paying him before the court got involved.  The judge was not happy with his lawyer.  She looked at him and declared immediately that I would not be held in contempt, that there would be no judgement (which means no interest on the missed payments), and that it would get paid “later” and is not a priority over the community debts.  In other words, fuck you fuckerson.  You don’t get shit and I don’t have to pull money out of empty pockets to try and pay you.  You can wait until the house sells to get your damn money asshole.

So then came the issue of child support.  His lawyer used the court form and did his own fancy math on it and submitted it trying to say well this is a unique situation because no parent is the primary because we split the weekdays in half since he works at night and I work during the day and on and on and on about how his math is better than the form that has all sorts of laws that say how it needs to be filled out.  His lawyer’s version showed me owing about $1,700 per month in child support.  My lawyer filled out the same form following the letter of the law and it shows that because I have the kids for 96% of the overnights during the year that HE actually OWES ME child support even though I make a shitton more money than he does.  The judge literally yelled at my ex’s lawyer telling him he fucked up and to fix it.  His lawyer also left off a key computation of the alimony money which shows him making more and me making less when factored in.  The judge admonished him for that one.  He should be embarrassed.

I’m guessing though based on my experiences with them that my in-laws are telling, rather mandating, what the lawyer will do.  He is probably advising them against everything stupid petty trick they’ve tried but they push instead and lose.  My guess is that they will fire him, blaming him for losing instead of their own pettiness, and hire someone else who will end up in the same boat as this guy.  After all, my father-in-law did declare that I was a cunt who will end up living in a cardboard box and I’ll never see my kids again.  Looks like his loser, asshole son who needed mommy and daddy to buy him a house is the one that would be living in the cardboard house without kids.  I’ve got a good job and even if I have to pay out of my ass until my son graduates high school, there’s still an end in sight to this drama and someday I’ll be living in my dream home again with everything I’ve ever wanted minus the asshole ex husband.

The judge clearly hates that lawyer and my ex.  This is the second time they have shown up trying to eat me alive and leaving worse off then when they came in.

Tomorrow is a Big Day

So I’m having every friend who wanted to come over tomorrow to watch the Super Bowl.  The problem is, with working so much and having a new girlfriend, my house is not party ready.  There’s some grunge here and there, the floors need vacuuming, bathrooms could use an overhaul cleaning, there’s a ton of little fix-it things that need to be done, oh and I need to rearrange some furniture including setting up a room for the kids to hang out in with an Xbox and crafts.

So what do I do?  I starting writing a list of to-dos and my amazing girlfriend announced that she and her mom and her boys are all coming over today to help me clean my house.  I grew up in a home where people don’t offer to help do stuff like that so it’s a bit weird to have someone volunteer to help out with such a massive task.  But she’s here, her boys and my two kids have a list of things to do, and her mom is on the way.  I get to focus on the furniture and the fix-it list while she focuses on cleaning.  I’m happy and feeling a bit guilty at the same time.  I should have been doing a better job keeping my house nicer but I’m very grateful for the help.  She even made cinnamon rolls stuffed with bacon for breakfast.

I’m ready to get going just need to get the music started so we can sing and dance our way to a party ready home.

It’s Been Awhile

Just before Christmas I called a friend and said – I need to get out of here!  I had been trapped at home without any money for a long time and a paycheck had finally come through.  There was an awesome lesbian’s only dance in Portland the weekend after Christmas and I thought it would be a perfect way to burn off some steam.  The friend asked if she could invite another friend and I said why not!  The more the merrier!

Turns out this other friend was someone I was eyeballing on OK Cupid and someone I had met a few months earlier at the mutual friend’s birthday bash.  So I sent her a message – “I guess we’re going out this weekend”  We texted back and forth for days and she was so easy to talk to I was eagerly looking forward to our night out.  The moment I saw her walking through my friend’s house before heading to the club, I knew my life was about to change.  My heart instantly knew she was the person I needed to spend the rest of my life with before I even heard her speak.

I have spent the past four weeks with this girl of my dreams.  We have spent every minute possible together even though we live half an hour apart.  She comes over as soon as her boys are with their dad and I’m headed to her house as soon as my kids are with their dad.  I’ve spent quite a bit of time with her mom and she’s spent time with my chosen family.  Our kids have met several times and thoroughly enjoy each other.  My daughter asked me if her mom will be their new step-grandma after getting to spend the afternoon with her when I had to work and needed a sitter – in a very hopeful tone.  It’s been a very busy month of parties and events and we have pretty much hung out with everyone in our inner circles and not one person has had any concerns about our relationship. My friends all see her and say, “YES! This is the girl we’ve been waiting for you to find!  She is perfect for you, she is gorgeous – and you belong with a beautiful girl – and she clearly loves you as much as you love her”

With my ex-husband it never felt like this.  He was always disappointed and unhappy.  The love I once had for him was there but it was different.  I married him because it felt like the right thing to do.  I was the right age, he seemed like he could tolerate me for the rest of my life.  Instead it was a life of misery for me.  I was never free to do what I wanted to do.  If I wanted to go somewhere I had to bring him and he always sullied the mood, complaining on the way, complaining while we were there, and complaining after we got home.  No one wanted him around so they quit inviting me.  I became a shell whose whole world was making him happy by suppressing what I wanted to be doing.  When I gave up hiding my own passions, we immediately started falling apart.  He started drinking.  I started doing more and more without him. I had been searching for something since marrying him and I didn’t know what it was.  I traveled for work, I went back to school twice, I changed jobs, I changed states, I changed my church going habits, I changed my friends, I changed nearly everything and I could not figure out why it felt like something was missing in my life.  When we had our last falling out last Spring, I was done with the marriage.  About six months later, I started having an affair with a woman simultaneously realizing I was gay and that’s part of what I was missing.  Six months after that, I found the courage to walk away from my marriage.  He never had a passionate hold on my heart and he was easy to walk away from.

Before she and I met, I never thought I would find exactly what I was looking for.  I was beginning to wonder if I was just too unique to be loved the way that I am.  I had been on a journey trying to find what was missing from my life for so long that the goal of having a life filled with happiness, peace, love, and laughter seemed unobtainable and unrealistic. From the very instant she walked into my life, I felt so suddenly and completely happy. My search is over; I have found what I was looking for. She is beautiful both inside and out. She has a passion for life, love, adventure, and harmony that is breathtakingly inspiring. She has a sense of humor that is so in tune with mine, it is scary at times. She loves me for me, not a version of me that I present to her, but the entirety of me – which is not something I have ever experienced before. She accepts my flaws and in some cases finds them inexplicably attractive. We have the same desires in life, and while we are different, we fit together so perfectly that it is as if we are two halves of the same whole. I love everything about her. My journey to find what I was looking for is over because she is what I was seeking. The rest of my life is going to be a happy adventure because she will be here to share it with me. I love her. Without her I would still be looking for something I never would have found.  On top of all that, she is stunningly beautiful.  She moves her body with a grace that just entrances me.  Her eyes are an amazing shade of blue.  Her smile has these perfect little laugh lines that entice me to want to kiss her lips. The curves of her body are just plain sexy.

I miss her as soon as we are in our separate homes.  My head says wait to have her move in but my heart says tomorrow. Can I make it happen tomorrow?  I am mentally rearranging the furniture in my home to accommodate hers.  I’ve even figured out which room her boys should sleep in, moving my teenager into the largest room in the house.  Wondering if it would be better to just find a new rental that can accommodate all of us including her mom too.  So many choices, so much rushing into this relationship.  I don’t want to be a UHaul Lesbian – but I’m turning into one with this girl.  I’m in love.  I have spent so much time in my life waiting and wondering.  I don’t want to miss out on even a day with her.  I want to hold her in my arms every night and kiss her sleepy lips every morning.  I want her in my life.

Merry Damn Christmas

I’m lamenting, I know.  Posts like this aren’t fun to read.

So divorce means the kids can’t be in two places at once.  We all know that and when we choose to divorce we see the evil it will create when kids are involved but rarely do we realize how much pain it will cause on holidays.  This year I do not get to see my children on Christmas day – they will be with their father.  Dropping them off tonight was excruciatingly painful.  I cried, I yelled.  But I had the good sense to wait until I was around the corner driving away so that they didn’t see how much it hurts to not spend tomorrow with them.  Next year, he will have to do what I just did and I already feel badly for him even though he doesn’t care one iota about me.

I’ve been barely surviving financially for almost three months now having been unemployed since October.  So this Christmas I couldn’t get them very much.  In fact, if it weren’t for the charity of others, I wouldn’t have been able to get them anything at all.  I found a group that makes bikes from old bikes for kids with parents who need help with gifts.  So they got some really cool bikes.  I had a coworker hand me $200 with the specific instructions that it was for Christmas gifts and I followed his instructions.  So they didn’t get much but they got something and I had a great time watching them open their gifts.  They know how tight things have been and they weren’t outwardly disappointed.  Of course, tomorrow on the “real” Christmas their father’s parents will spoil them rotten and they will forget about the four or five things I got them.  They will probably never understand the struggles I went through these past few months trying to put food on the table because I don’t burden them with those details.  I’m employed now, I have regular paychecks coming soon – in a few days in fact.  And it will be nice not to stress about money anymore.  I will start saving immediately so that I can be someone’s Christmas angel next year.  I will pay it forward.  How could I not?

My friends are all on Facebook posting pictures of their beautiful trees and piles of presents.  Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas while smiling and enjoying themselves.  No one remembers the divorced parents who are sad, the destitute parents who just wanted something-anything under a tree for their kids, or the parents who have lost their child and are distraught.  I was buying some beer at the grocery store just a bit ago since I’m having some friends over this weekend and the clerk wished me a very enthusiastic Merry Christmas while I was grabbing up my bags.  I wanted to slap her.  It’s not going to be a Merry Christmas.  It’s going to be a Sad Christmas.  I’m going to wander my house and look at the two presents I bought for myself, the presents they left behind because those gifts live here.  I’ll probably make my kids’ beds, sniffing their empty pillows, and consider doing their laundry.  Maybe I’ll even clean their rooms for them.  Sounds “Merry” right?  I’ll survive their week and a half long visit with their father.  It might suck tomorrow.  But I’m tougher for it and more focused than ever on making sure my kids get what they need to grow up strong.

Merry Damn Christmas everyone.