Anemia and a Hysterectomy

Why can’t I fall asleep at night?  Why does my body want to shiver and shake?  My legs and arms won’t relax without benadryl and melatonin and pain meds.  Something isn’t right. Getting up three or four times to wear down my limbs so that they’ll pass out like my mind and the rest of my body craves for them to do.  I’m crazy during the day, can’t put words together like I should sometimes.  I’m fidgety, can’t sit still in meetings.  I’m making poor decisions.  My driving skills have waned a tiny bit but not enough to stop driving.  Something needs to change.  I go see the doctor and he says – I’d bet your anemic.  I hadn’t thought of that – figured I was just genetically predisposed to a horrifying life with restless leg syndrome like my father has.  Has me start taking iron supplements and within a few days, the restless legs and arms are better but not resolved.  So he sends me in for a sleep study.  I have been diagnosed with periodic limb movement disorder.  It sucks.  But since I’m low on iron, doc won’t give me sleep meds until my iron is up because we won’t know what scale we’re dealing with until then.

So I start taking iron and I get my period, it’s a vicious one and it wipes me out.  My body can’t handle the blood loss.  I’m weak and tired and suddenly What the hell is this sharp pain in my hip?  Ugh.  Why am I suddenly getting cramps?  I haven’t had cramps in years.  Huh there’s a little lump there where this hurts.  That’s odd, this lump is pretty big, how have I not felt this before…  Weird… Two days later, lump still there, but it doesn’t hurt any more – no pain, move on with my life.  Four months in a row this happened.  Each month it hurt a little more. Eventually, it didn’t stop hurting and I couldn’t walk up the stairs without crawling in as close to a fetal position as I could muster.

In August 2016, it never stopped hurting and it put me on the floor a few times.  On Sunday, September 4th, it hurt so badly my fiance put me to bed and had me take some powerful drugs. I went to bed at 7:30pm hoping to not feel the pain any longer.  I woke up in a flurry of pain several times through the night.  I called the doc in the morning.  On Tuesday, I had an appointment with the doc.  On Wednesday, I had an ultrasound.  On Thursday, I had surgery scheduled.

It was diagnosed as and confirmed to be endometriosis.  Caused by the c-sections I’d had for both my kids more than 10 years ago.  A few cells escaped and embedded themselves in my abdominal wall way over near my left hip.  I asked the doc to do a hysterectomy while she was in there.  I am done having kids and the bleeding plus my anemia is making me ill each month.  She agreed and so did my insurance company.  So in I went, they sliced me wide open and removed the endometriosis lump, my uterus, tubes, and cervix – leaving my ovaries behind.  Then they saw another endo lump on my right hip and took that one out too.  Doc says less than 2% of endometriosis cases are caused by c-sections.  I felt lucky.

A month later I went into full menopause.  WTF?  I still had my ovaries, they are supposed to allow me to go through natural menopause.  Again, WTF?  So I visit the doc and get put on Estrogen.  Yay.  The estrogen does a great job of helping with the mood swings and night sweats but it also helped a fibroid grow rapidly in my right boob.  It was in the exact same spot as one I’d had removed in 1995.  Went to see my boob lump doc and she said – yep, the estrogen will make these pop up wherever they are.

So then I had to have another surgery to have the lump removed.  Fun times.  It’s been a couple of months and I’m doing better now.  But I’m gaining weight.  I need to do something about that.  Oh and my blood pressure is increasing so I’m going to go see my doc today.  And I still have PLMD.

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I Now Know Why

I went on a business trip that took me within a few hours of my only cousin on my mom’s side.  I spent a few nights with her and her partner before relocating to the hotel for the business trip.  What I learned while there has haunted and tormented me since.

My cousin and her partner went to visit my estranged family in California over the summer of 2016. They knew we’d had a falling out but I hadn’t provided details.  While there, they were inundated with horrifying stories about me.  My cousin who knows I’m not the person my parents and sisters were portraying me to be, contacted me by email and let me know that she fully supports me and she knows my family is full of shit – her words, not mine.

The night I arrived at my cousin’s house, she wanted to talk about my parents and sisters.  I knew it was bound to happen and decided to keep myself protected but to allow my cousin the opportunity to share what had been burning inside of her for nearly six months.  She let me know what they were telling everyone and I’m even more hurt and angry then I have ever been.

My ex told them that I was a whore.  That I came home from whoring and told him all about it to rub it in his face.  That I had sex in front of the children all the time.  That he never, ever wanted me to have that relationship.  That I maliciously left my precious children with him so I could go whoring.  Oh and I’m apparently very addicted to prescription drugs, pot, and alcohol.  I’m so high all of the time that I might require inpatient help to quit.  I hate my children and avoid them all the time.  That I have a new family and I love them more.  I never, ever give him any money.  He’s broke and can’t afford anything.  I treat him horribly.  I’m an awful person.  And on, and on, and on….

The reality is he is living a financial high life while I scrape together meals with leftovers brewed from an empty pantry.  Breakfast dinners are almost mandatory once a week because it’s extremely cheap.  I have no left over funds each month because he takes half my income.  I can’t even count how many payday loans I have had to get and loans from friends that I’m repaying just to keep from getting the electricity turned off but yeah, he’s “broke”.  I’ve clearly left him destitute.  I often wonder how he will survive when he doesn’t have the money coming from me anymore.  But for now, he’s comfy with his steak dinners, buying every DVD he wants, getting the kids extravagant gifts.  Anyway…

He spends no time with the kids.  Like none.  He works until dinner time then goes to bed at 7pm.  He watches TV in his own room and totally ignores the kids (probably to hide that he’s drunk).  He wakes up at 9:30pm to tell the kids to go to bed but according to our son, he often forgets so the kids put themselves to bed around 11pm.  I ask my son if they played in the snow – no.  Have you been outside this week? – no.  What did you do today?  Played video games or watched YouTube.  That’s all he ever says.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I’ve never gone to bed while my kids are up and awake.  I cherish my time with them.  But yet he’s supposedly a far better father than I am a mother.  Such bullshit.  I play games with my kids, I take them on adventures, I teach them responsibilities, we do homework together, we do art together, we do stuff!  Random fun stuff! We go on vacations that don’t include just staying with family and doing nothing all day.

So I’m hopped up on drugs.  I hate my children.  I’m a whore.  I’m a monster to my ex.  I’m a money hoarder.  The details my cousin gave me were even more disgusting than the small amount of detail I posted here.  I was absolutely horrified.

My ex is a disgusting liar.  He did such a fantastic job of lying to my family that they won’t even give me a moment to hear a rebuttal.  They believe hand over fist what he’s told them and that they are now sharing with anyone who wants to listen.  I had hopes for reconciliation but there’s no fucking way in hell these people will ever be in my life again.  Fuck them.  My cousin asked if she could talk to my mother and I told her that I will neither request that she talk to my mother nor stop her.  My parents and siblings will no longer be a part of my life.  If she wishes to try and break through the shell of stupidity, she’s welcome to try but I’ve tapped out of those relationships and have no expectation to renew them.