It’s Been Awhile

Just before Christmas I called a friend and said – I need to get out of here!  I had been trapped at home without any money for a long time and a paycheck had finally come through.  There was an awesome lesbian’s only dance in Portland the weekend after Christmas and I thought it would be a perfect way to burn off some steam.  The friend asked if she could invite another friend and I said why not!  The more the merrier!

Turns out this other friend was someone I was eyeballing on OK Cupid and someone I had met a few months earlier at the mutual friend’s birthday bash.  So I sent her a message – “I guess we’re going out this weekend”  We texted back and forth for days and she was so easy to talk to I was eagerly looking forward to our night out.  The moment I saw her walking through my friend’s house before heading to the club, I knew my life was about to change.  My heart instantly knew she was the person I needed to spend the rest of my life with before I even heard her speak.

I have spent the past four weeks with this girl of my dreams.  We have spent every minute possible together even though we live half an hour apart.  She comes over as soon as her boys are with their dad and I’m headed to her house as soon as my kids are with their dad.  I’ve spent quite a bit of time with her mom and she’s spent time with my chosen family.  Our kids have met several times and thoroughly enjoy each other.  My daughter asked me if her mom will be their new step-grandma after getting to spend the afternoon with her when I had to work and needed a sitter – in a very hopeful tone.  It’s been a very busy month of parties and events and we have pretty much hung out with everyone in our inner circles and not one person has had any concerns about our relationship. My friends all see her and say, “YES! This is the girl we’ve been waiting for you to find!  She is perfect for you, she is gorgeous – and you belong with a beautiful girl – and she clearly loves you as much as you love her”

With my ex-husband it never felt like this.  He was always disappointed and unhappy.  The love I once had for him was there but it was different.  I married him because it felt like the right thing to do.  I was the right age, he seemed like he could tolerate me for the rest of my life.  Instead it was a life of misery for me.  I was never free to do what I wanted to do.  If I wanted to go somewhere I had to bring him and he always sullied the mood, complaining on the way, complaining while we were there, and complaining after we got home.  No one wanted him around so they quit inviting me.  I became a shell whose whole world was making him happy by suppressing what I wanted to be doing.  When I gave up hiding my own passions, we immediately started falling apart.  He started drinking.  I started doing more and more without him. I had been searching for something since marrying him and I didn’t know what it was.  I traveled for work, I went back to school twice, I changed jobs, I changed states, I changed my church going habits, I changed my friends, I changed nearly everything and I could not figure out why it felt like something was missing in my life.  When we had our last falling out last Spring, I was done with the marriage.  About six months later, I started having an affair with a woman simultaneously realizing I was gay and that’s part of what I was missing.  Six months after that, I found the courage to walk away from my marriage.  He never had a passionate hold on my heart and he was easy to walk away from.

Before she and I met, I never thought I would find exactly what I was looking for.  I was beginning to wonder if I was just too unique to be loved the way that I am.  I had been on a journey trying to find what was missing from my life for so long that the goal of having a life filled with happiness, peace, love, and laughter seemed unobtainable and unrealistic. From the very instant she walked into my life, I felt so suddenly and completely happy. My search is over; I have found what I was looking for. She is beautiful both inside and out. She has a passion for life, love, adventure, and harmony that is breathtakingly inspiring. She has a sense of humor that is so in tune with mine, it is scary at times. She loves me for me, not a version of me that I present to her, but the entirety of me – which is not something I have ever experienced before. She accepts my flaws and in some cases finds them inexplicably attractive. We have the same desires in life, and while we are different, we fit together so perfectly that it is as if we are two halves of the same whole. I love everything about her. My journey to find what I was looking for is over because she is what I was seeking. The rest of my life is going to be a happy adventure because she will be here to share it with me. I love her. Without her I would still be looking for something I never would have found.  On top of all that, she is stunningly beautiful.  She moves her body with a grace that just entrances me.  Her eyes are an amazing shade of blue.  Her smile has these perfect little laugh lines that entice me to want to kiss her lips. The curves of her body are just plain sexy.

I miss her as soon as we are in our separate homes.  My head says wait to have her move in but my heart says tomorrow. Can I make it happen tomorrow?  I am mentally rearranging the furniture in my home to accommodate hers.  I’ve even figured out which room her boys should sleep in, moving my teenager into the largest room in the house.  Wondering if it would be better to just find a new rental that can accommodate all of us including her mom too.  So many choices, so much rushing into this relationship.  I don’t want to be a UHaul Lesbian – but I’m turning into one with this girl.  I’m in love.  I have spent so much time in my life waiting and wondering.  I don’t want to miss out on even a day with her.  I want to hold her in my arms every night and kiss her sleepy lips every morning.  I want her in my life.

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