Carefree? No but I wish I could be… again

I used to be so confident and carefree.  I remember feeling so happy that everyone wanted to be around me all the time.  I had lots of friends to choose from when I wanted to go out and have fun.  I could date anyone I wanted because they all flocked to me.  I was carefree and flying on air.

Then I got married.  I thought getting married meant I had to be something different.  I thought it meant that I was supposed to capitulate to my spouse.  If he didn’t want to go out, then I was supposed to stay home.  If he didn’t want to have friends over, then I was supposed to stay home alone with him.  I lost my zest for life and over time, I lost track of the carefree person I used to be.  Then in the middle of my life, I realized I was living a life that wasn’t right for me and came out as gay, choosing to divorce the husband I no longer loved and barely cared for.

The choices I made chased a few people away and some I chose to leave behind.  I have very few friends now and although they are amazingly supportive, none are in the gay community, nor do they know anyone who is (besides rookie me).  I have lived in a hetero world where the rules are totally different and I have been pushing people away for so long to keep them from having to deal with my unhappy life, that I have no idea how to make new friends or how to accept this new version of me – this person I’ve become.  I want to be free to explore this new world but without a basic understanding of the rules or what’s expected, I feel lost.  I am desperate to feel comfortable because it is clear the tolerance and acceptance of others is profoundly simpler than the world I was in.  I want to feel that love that the gay community seems to embrace.

I am afraid to fail.  Making such a big change this late in life, it feels like my last chance to change my stripes and I’m afraid that no one will like me and I will forever be trapped in a life where I will never become who I want to be.

All I want is for someone to take me by the hand and bring me into this new world with full acceptance of who I am including my faults and show me how to live a life free from the fear of rejection.

I want a champion who will fight for me to show me who I can be (particularly within the gay community), not fight with me over who I once was and the residual affects of my past.  I want to be able to go to a party and not worry what everyone thinks of me or wonder if after I leave will anyone ask me to come back or even care that I’m gone.  I want to laugh and have fun without worry.  I want people to like me and since I’m afraid of being unlikable, I am afraid to be me.  I find it difficult at best to recognize when people aren’t just patronizing me with banality because I’m in the same room.  When I am invited to any kind of event, it feels like such a privilege that I’m afraid I’m going to blow it and end the night without securing a single new friend and because of my own insecurities, I usually end up living out the exact scenario that I feared.

If someone could just be my champion and provide a little bit of reassurance that I’m doing this right, I know I would build the confidence I need in short order.  I want friends.  I want to love someone who loves me in return.  That’s it.  It’s really that simple.  I want to feel like I belong.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin.  I don’t want to keep hearing about what I’ve done wrong today, I want to hear what I did right.  I want to be accepted.  Unconditionally accepted.  I want to be attractive to someone who can see past my insecurities and loves me anyway for who I really am.  I just want to feel loved and accepted.  Is that too much to ask?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s