She Doesn’t Trust Me – And I Don’t Blame Her

My daughter told me last night she doesn’t trust me.  I don’t blame her even one bit.  We were talking last night about her wanting to sleep on her new futon instead of her wonderful bed and the conversation got pretty deep.  I reminded her that she can tell me anything she wants.  She hesitated then said, “Mom, I don’t trust you.  I don’t know why but I just don’t.”  She clearly was scared to death that I was going to lose it on her but instead I told her I wasn’t surprised.  Here’s my reasoning…

A year and a half ago, my marriage failed.  I knew it, my husband didn’t.  For six months, I tried to restart my flame but it was out.  Not even flickering, totally cold, OUT.  I was done but I hadn’t quit yet.  I tried taking trips with my ex, I tried having more sex, I tried everything I could think of and nothing worked.  My heart was done even if my head wasn’t.  Around the sixth month I finished my Master’s degree and I began to find other things to occupy my time.  I went out with friends, I worked longer hours, and I avoided my husband.  This whole time, my kids could see that something was wrong between us but it really wasn’t unusual for us to fight or ignore each other.  Their mom was changing into someone they didn’t recognize.

Then I met a woman who became the center of my attention with the exception of my children.  They have always come first. I often had them come to her house to hang out at birthday parties or just to hang out.  She and her family came to our house for a number of social visits.  I was changing even more because having a friend who I spent a lot of time with was a new concept in our house.  My ex had chased everyone else away and my kids got used to me not having many friends. Especially not having friends I hung out with on a regular basis outside of Girl Scouts.  Then I fell in love with this friend, and she with me (See My First Girlfriend post) and I changed even more.  I was suddenly very happy but still avoiding their dad. This was weird for them.

Then I wrecked my motorcycle and had to move in with my friend and her family.  My kids would come stay with me at their house regularly but it was weird.  I was heavily medicated, I was in a lot of pain, I had to be helped with basic things like going to the bathroom.  I was no longer their strong willed, independent mother.  I was an invalid that they loved but weren’t sure what to do with.

Then I healed my broken bones and my broken head and changed even more because I am a survivor.  I had to fight to be where I am and I’m not going to back down for anyone.  I am strong willed but in a different way.  It’s less about how awesome my job is or how much money I make and more about the inner strength I had to build to win the battle over my body.  Different things in life are important to me now.

So I told my daughter, “I’m not surprised.”  And I think her chin hit her mattress.  I went on to say, I am a different person than I used to be.  I’m changing every day.  I think differently, I act differently, I now like girls instead of boys, I am completely different with one exception – you and your brother.  The two of you have always been and will always be the most important thing to me.” She nodded and added a quiet – yup.  Then I talked about how her dad is the same guy he’s always been.  He lives in the same house, with the same attitude, he does things the same way he always has, and he probably always will.  You know what to expect from your dad, you don’t know what to expect from me.  And she looked at me like, wow I hadn’t thought of it that way.  I let her know it was perfectly acceptable for her to question whether or not to trust me since I was basically a new person to her.  And I thanked her for telling me and asked her to let me know if I ever do something that doesn’t make sense or if she has any questions for me.

I feel like a better mom today because I finally figured out what was bothering her.  We had a great day today.  She talked openly with me about her boyfriend and some other stuff that happened at school.  Today was a good day.  I’m hoping tomorrow will be just as positive and wonderful.  Happy Mom Day!

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