My First Girlfriend

I met my first girlfriend well after my marriage was in shambles.  She was beautiful and funny.  She knew how to read a person’s emotions and help them find peace and balance.  People were naturally attracted to her and she had a lot of friends.

She and I are both adult volunteers for an all girls group.  We both attended a leader weekend where we were supposed to be getting educated and focusing on learning what we needed to learn to be better leaders for our girls but we always had a party at the same time.  She and I ended up sharing a bunk and we spent the entire weekend having fun together.  I teased her relentlessly before bed the second night so much so that she held my hand while I fell asleep to make sure that I wasn’t going to climb down from my top bunk and “do something” to her.  I thought nothing of it, she wanted to kiss me.

We started talking and texting a couple of weeks after the leader weekend and became fast friends.  I felt like I had known her for a thousand years.  When Steve questioned my relationship, I was combative and insistent that he needed to let me have this friendship.  I started going to her house after work, finding reasons to drop by.  She would come and spend my lunch break with me.  Within a matter of a couple months, she told me she was bi-sexual and wanted to kiss me.  I was floored. That was gross and wrong.  Girls shouldn’t want to kiss girls.  But I wanted to kiss her too and I was thoroughly confused by it all.

I spent the next few weeks pondering this revelation that I wanted to kiss a girl.  I was energized and excited but totally scared shitless at the same time.  Then one day during a lunch break visit, I let her kiss me and it was amazing.  As soon as I left her to go back to work, I realized I had just cheated on my husband but I wasn’t upset about it.  I was done with him I just hadn’t let go yet.  I went home that night and told him that I had kissed her and I wasn’t sure why I had but that I wanted to have a relationship with her.  He asked me a ton of questions but then approved letting me pursue it.  He told me he thought it was hot.  But, six months later he confessed he didn’t think I would take it past kissing and regretted letting me pursue her.  Within a month, we had sex for the first time.  It was amazing.  I had no idea sex could actually be enjoyable. It didn’t take long for me to realize I shouldn’t be married to a man because I was a lesbian.  Steve knew we were having sex and he also realized that I had stopped wanting anything to do with him.  I never hid any details from him. He frequently allowed me to go to her home and spend time with her or go on dates.  He would smile and wave goodbye as I headed out the door.  I only found out later that he was calling my family each time I left, telling them lies, and permanently damaging my relationship with them.  But that story is for another posting.

My girlfriend was also married and her husband became my best friend.  He knew that we were in love.  She loved us both equally.  She told us both that neither of us was enough on our own and that she needed us both.  We stupidly fell for it and stayed in the lopsided triangle of a relationship for almost a year.  When I crashed my motorcycle, I stayed in their home where they both took care of me in every possible way.  They helped me pick up the pieces, heal, and survive.  I would not be here, the way that I am now, if it weren’t for their compassion and dedication to healing me.  They were my everything.

Near the end of the relationship, we traveled to a resort destination and had a wonderful week and a half as three adults on vacation.  Their treat as a gift for fighting so hard to heal and survive.  The first six or seven days were amazing and wonderful.  The last five were awful.  There was a night where I chose to let them have the night.  I wanted her badly and had spent the majority of the day turning her on but he was feeling jilted so I gave him the night.  At some point in their night, she came to check on me and we had a passionate few minutes before she went back into the bedroom with him. The next morning, he disappeared early to have some alone time while she and I enjoyed each other’s company.  When we found him, he was crying uncontrollably and suicidal.  I tried to reach him but realized that I was the problem, not a solution, and walked away from the two of them.  We spent the next four days like this.  He would cry, she would comfort, and I would hide.  It was awful.  I asked if I should find an early flight home but was told no – everything was fine.  I couldn’t drive yet and who would pick me up from the airport.  We flew home in silence.  I put on my headphones and tried to hide in my window seat.  He was due to go on another trip for work almost immediately after we got home.  I had a new place to live, and was finally cleared to drive within days of getting home, but didn’t want to move out until after I had the chance to be with her while he was out of town.  She had been reassuring me that they would figure this out and I just needed to stay with her.  She loved me and we were going to last forever.  Two days into his business trip, he called at midnight and ended their marriage.  She immediately ended our relationship in a cold and careless manner and I felt so completely stupid.  I moved out like a thief in the night, never getting to explain to their kids why I was leaving so unexpectedly.  For the next couple of weeks she sent mixed signals telling me that she needed to focus on her marriage but that she loved me.  It was painful.  I wanted her to be my future and realizing my mistake in falling for a married woman was not an easy road to accept.  It took some time but my heart let go and all of a sudden, I was no longer in love, I no longer wanted her in my life, and she was just a memory.

I still wonder from time to time if their marriage is working out.  I hope they find each other again.  They were a good team and I was simply a distraction.

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